Jesus Called. He Says He Just Wants To Be Friends

I'm going to meet with a very kind woman this morning who happens to be a pastor of a church. She can counsel people for three sessions before she has to hand them off to someone with a degree in crazy.

Not having health insurance and swinging from vine to vine through this bureaucratic jungle, I've been grasping at free counseling anywhere I can find it. Next week, I start a ten week group therapy gig through PAVSA which, they warned me, can bring up intense feelings from my past. I told her that it will be ok, they can join with the intense feelings from my present and perhaps, we'll discover a new kind of psychic energy. If I find that I can hold a light bulb and have it turn on using just the power of my mind, I am getting in the car and driving to the White House.

But for the present, I will be visiting with a pastor this morning. I actually went to her church a couple Sundays ago and while it was nice to be out amongst adults, all the Jesus hoo-ha left me a little sad. Absolutely loving Black gospel music, the hymns left me wondering who on earth wrote them and could they actually hear a bunch of white Minnesotans singing them as they scribbled it down? The modern stuff was just dreadful. They sang the old stuff too, like Amazing Grace, which always chokes me up. Amazing Grace was my mom's favorite hymn and I think about her when I hear it. But that's not the spirit of Jesus...that's just mental flotsam and jetsam.

As I've stated before, I come from a Buddhist ideology. I can listen to Bible stories all day and understand the moral point that is being stated but I don't feel that it really happened. To me, it's just a story that is trying to illustrate a point.

Conversely, Buddhism comes from the idea that we all suffer. Suffering is a condition brought on by our wants and desires. We cannot control what is done to us, but we can control how we react to it. We cannot find happiness in buying things, but rather we have to find happiness within ourselves. We must extend our hands to help other people because when we relieve suffering for others, we relieve it for ourselves as well. We are all on this big wheel together and only occasionally does someone earn enough gold stars to get off. (As stated word for word by the Buddha).

It's all just a matter of what set of stories "does it" for you. It's all where you're coming from and where you're going.

So perhaps I'll hear some scripture today, perhaps I won't.

Maybe I'll just make a new friend.

And Now A Message For The Soul

I am now, officially, in a settled holding pattern. The County Prosecutor will start working on the case at the end of this week and I have nine more days until the petition for divorce comes due.

I have no more tasks on my task list for a few days. Perhaps that is why I'm finally finding the songs for my Ipod that get passed pissed off.

For being a quasi Buddhist with a secular bon vivant, I appear to need the assistance of black gospel singers to plumb the depths of my soul. I now have the Blind Boys of Alabama, Mahalia Jackson, Odetta, and Aretha Franklin (churchy, not sassy), and Sweet Honey In The Rock on a playlist.

Being a quasi Buddhist, I believe I was here before and when it comes to what speaks to my soul, all I can say is that I highly doubt I was a pale skinny white girl.

No Violence Was Referred To In The Writing Of This Post

Today will be a much more positive post. Just want to throw that out there for anyone eyeing the computer screen while reaching behind them for something, anything, that can be used in self defense. No, drop the cat, really. Hurling a cat as a weapon has been been banned by the Geneva Convention (which means we've been hurling cats for years now, you just didn't know about it.)

As I said, it's a roller coaster ride. I'm a quarter of the way through and I just realized I needed to fasten my seatbelt.

As I write this, it's 4:30 a.m, the coffee is hot and delicious, and my dogs are at my feet. As a back sliding Buddhist, I had to remind myself of three things yesterday. 1. Breathe. 2. Live in the present. 3. Karma is all the revenge one needs.

If all of this crap had happened even a few short years ago, I would not have had the intelligence to reach out to people and admit that I need help. I used to think that doing everything on my own and holding up the world on my back was a sign of strength and independance. Thankfully I now know that it is a sign of raving stupidity. There are things in this world that are too big to fit inside one skull, too heavy to bear on one back. For all the garbage that has gone on since December 19th, I stand back in amazement at the wonderful circle of friends I have. When I speak of karma, this is what I think of.

This week is filled with more appointments, legal paperwork, and hopefully successful policework. Also, I decided I needed a little inspirational desk art at work...I've always held a reverence for Kuan Yin but at a time when I feel the importance of protecting my kids so acutely, I think I need her by my side.

The MN Atheists vs. The Salvation Army in the Battle For My Soul

At times, when sorting through my mail, I have to laugh at the mailing lists I've somehow gotten on. Having been a paramedic twelve years ago, I still get all the catalogs even though I've told them that I've gone out of the "plug that gushing hole" business.

I also get my fair share of gardening catalogs as well as all that "Mother Earth" hoo-ha that I gobble up. YES! I want to live off the grid! YES! I want to build my own chicken coop! YES! I want to build my own solar panels! I live a completly full and rich life in my head where I am happily working my ass off on a sheep ranch in the middle of nowhere, making my own cheese, churning my own butter, making my own soap, and tending my bee hives. Then I look at my neighborhood in Lakeside, gazing whistfully across the five backyards that my dog is running through, pooping every six feet, and tearing through flower beds and across decks. Yes, life in my head is BEAUTIFUL!

Of course I'm on all the bee-lists. (Which is a tree huggers way of saying that you're not quite special enough). I spend many evenings comparing smokers and bee suits and pollen cakes. While many a crazy person hears voices in their head, I just have a low level buzzing in my ears.

Lately I've really gotten into learning the whys and wherefores of cooking. I've never been a horrible cook but I have been mundane and pedestrian...wow, I've been reading a few too many resteraunt reviews. Anyway, I am now on the cooking lists and can pour over catalogs with gadgets and books and I can kvetch at the size of my kitchen which feels cramped when there is a dirty plate and a coffee cup on the counter. Since my recent interest in cooking, I've purchased exactly one gadget, a lemon/lime juicer. Since my screwed up hands don't grip so well, this big garlic press looking thing is not a luxury, it is a necessity. A NECESSITY GOD DAMNIT!!!

Speaking of the damnation of God, perhaps my favorite two mailing lists that I find myself on are the Salvation Army and the MN Atheists. I received mailings from both of them yesterday and I just stood there laughing. I have no idea how I got on the Salvation Army list as I find aspects of their organization to be completly repugnant. Yes, they do a lot of good. They also have the choice to discriminate against anyone that doesn't live up to their standards of godliness. They also have the right to fire any employee that they find does not, shall we say, meet their biblical interpretation of morality. The whole George Bush idea of supporting organizations like this with our tax dollars means that we are supporting organizations that, by their religious nature, do not have to adhere to the normal rules of employment law. If they discover that you're gay, they don't have to get all creative and figure out some obscure reason to fire you. They can fire you because you're gay. Yeah. I believe we must ask ourselves, "Who would Jesus shitcan?"

I'm also a bystander in the MN Atheists organization although I remember exactly how I got on their mailing list. I was at Pride and they had a table there and I absolutely fell in love with a six foot drag queen that was working their table. I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic, and I'm certainly not a subscriber to any true and sincere religion but I am a sucker for a dude in a short, short skirt.

I'm Just Here For God's Judgement

I figured this would happen.

My office is now in the same building as an abortion clinic so naturally, I am now a baby killer.

Once I worked in a bookstore that had a bakery in the same building. I guess that means I can write "baker" on my resume as well.

The protesters have handed out their literature to some of my coworkers but they have never approached me. Since we are not supposed to "engage" them, I just put on my hundred yard stare as I go by and ignore the repeated entreaties to save my soul. They apparently don't like my approach.

Two days ago I was approached by a guy, five blocks from where I work, who identified me as my true baby killing self. Yesterday, some undoubtedly Christian soul hocked their lung cookies and snot all over my car. Yeah, I got a handfull as I went to open my car door.

Now, I've worked as a paramedic and I've worked in hospitals where I've been elbow deep in poop, puke, and blood. The only thing, and I mean ONLY thing that has ever made me quesy was chunky lung cookies. Well, I have to admire them for their spot on delivery and medium of choice. Ooops! Did I say choice?

After the phlegmatic interactions yesterday, I went home and learned that my husband will be losing his job at the end of the month.

Sigh. It appears that the wrath of God is upon me. I wonder what took him so long?