Note to the staff:
Allow me to introduce myself. I will be planning your holiday party this year. I would like to take this time to elucidate a few points.
I do not know if the salmon on the menu is farmed salmon or free range. I also do not know if it lived a happy life, had severe bouts of depression, or perhaps committed suicide rather than being eaten by “the man”.
In regards to last years party where I was cornered and the question was demanded of me “Why didn’t you get non-alcoholic beer?” There will be non-alcoholic beer this year. There will also be a big sign taped on your back that says “pussy”.
When you receive your invitation, you will notice that there are four silly little letters at the bottom. They look like this “RSVP”. Might I inquire how a person with more degrees than Jesus Christ Almighty has no idea what this means? And when you show up to the party without telling me ahead of time and say in that condescending voice, “What? You screwed up and didn’t give me a dinner????” I reserve the right to grab you by your scrotum and life it up over your head.
Just because I haven’t used my drink ticket by mid-evening does not give you the right to reach over and steal it when my back is turned.
No, I do not find you interesting in the least. Go away.
I don’t care if you don’t like the design on the cake. If I hear you complain, I will take my finger out of my nose and wipe the offending decoration off the cake. Will you be happy then?
And please note, I am not filled with the Christmas spirit. Neither am I excited by the Hanukah lights, the Kwanza candles, or the Solstice moon. I am paid to do this so shut the hell up.
The Office Manager
P.S: Dear God, please kill me now…