All Hallows Eve

Satan's Little Helper here...

Just back from a night of shenanigans.

It's really strange but no matter how many times I go to The Main, the boys just don't seem interested...

What am I doing wrong????

Also, I believe I have fractured my right boob. Is that a possibility?

I can just see it now...an episode of 60 Minutes with that damn clock ticking in the background and the voice of authority in the foreground:

"Every year, 8 million American women fracture their boobs but yet go undiagnosed due to our ever increasing health care debacle."

Yeah, it was another unfortunate incident with the claw foot bath tub. As I was draped over the tub, painting with the roller brush, I felt a most distressing tearing sensation in my right boob.

Perhaps it's not broken. Maybe it's just sprained.

Should I elevate it to prevent swelling? Or should I thank god that finally, a part of my body is swelling that the prevailing culture in this country can appreciate?

All I know is that it makes moving my right arm difficult, As a matter of fact, I had to use both hands to elevate my drinks to my poor dehydrated lips as we went to the bars.

We managed to avoid any real crowds although we did see a couple of walking beer cans with pull tab hats and when we got to The Main, I MET JESUS!

Funny thing, I asked him to lay his hands on my boob and heal me but he was far more interested in the bald man with the tiny panties.

Frankly, if you can't get a rise out of Jesus, I think you're screwed.

I'd Rather Have A Free Bottle In Front Of Me Than a Pre-Frontal Lobotomy

This Saturday is Halloween. I guess I kind of lost that fact due to the reality that people have had Halloween candy out for the past six weeks.

I want to go out this Saturday with a friend. All I want is a cold beverage and conversation. I do not want to be expected to be dressed in a costume. I do not want to be surrounded by a bunch of women who use the holiday to dress up like whores.

"I'm Cat-Woman!"

Yeah, if she were a whore.

"I'm a nurse!"

Yeah, if she were a whore.

"I'm a whore!"

Hey! Great costume! I never would have guessed!

Nothing against the whores, mind you. Everyone needs a purpose in life. Just don't be dippin' your buxomness in my drink when you lean over the bar. God only knows where those babies have been. (Or will be before the evening is over.)

In other words, I was just looking for a quiet evening out. I need to go to the loser bar for losers where I can get a good drink and be left to my own devices.

My Halloween costume is a bitchy old broad. I wear it everyday thank you.

Today will be the last morning that I will be at my old job. I will be going there tomorrow after work to mop up and close things out and then I will be free to devote all of my energies to the new gig where I still look like I am on Team Drunken Monkey.

I am exceedingly hard on myself. That is my blessing and my curse. I hate being stupid and not being able to do the job I'm being paid for. This is good because it makes me try harder. Conversely, it also gets under my skin and makes me ruminate on my day ad infinitum.

One of my favorite quotes goes something like this: He walked along the crowded street until he spied a nice dark place in which he could commit mortal sin.

I'm not so much into the mortal sin business, maybe next weekend. However, I completely understand where he's coming from.

I GOT DOTS!

Dots of a life:

* The bathroom window that was painted shut for fifteen years is now open. And now that the weather is cold, I can't get it shut.

* The bathroom carpet is pulled halfway up. Never put carpet in your bathroom. Carpet around your toilet is a BAD IDEA.

* Thankfully I have dogs that are so surprised when they wiggle out of their collars that they freeze and stare at me. No William Wallace acts of "FREEDOM!" while shaking their paws to the sky.

* I am addicted to the honey from the Wednesday Farmer's Market. The Walter's Family are unaware that they are my dealers. I am a honey connoisseur and their honey is amazing. And I'm guessing that, as an addiction, it's cheaper and healthier than meth. Hey, at least I get to keep my teeth.

* I am planning on going to Bayfield Applefest next weekend with friends. I haven't been to it since my son was about three. I'm guessing that apples are still involved?

* I am already freezing my ass off and it's not even October. I am going to inject wool directly into my veins.

* I discovered that the special slacks I bought for the sentencing and wore to the divorce paper signing were shredded when I was dragged by my friend's dog. I did love those pants but realistically, the pooch did me a favor. Now I won't say things like "Hey, I want to look nice so I think I'll wear the sentencing slacks!"

* The sales lady at the store where I bought said 'sentencing slacks' didn't get my humor when I went to replace the slacks and asked how durable the new pair were. "Can they stand up to being dragged by a large mammal?" I'm guessing that she hasn't been asked that before.

* I now have a kicky outfit in case I'm looking to do great things, like interview for a job or take over a small Central American country. Hey Nicaragua, I'm looking right at you!

Developing My Alter Ego

I got an email today that has me very excited!

No, it has nothing to do with my divorce or name change, silly reader! Why, that is an interminable process that won't be done until I am dead of old age and my bones have decomposed.

I'm talking about this.

I literally squeed when I saw it.

Costumes? Halloween? Booze?

OH MY GOD!!!

The funny thing is, I probably wouldn't even drink but the potential to be among a bunch of costumed super heroes and super villains? Golden!

So now, I need to figure out a costume.

Not sure if Time Lords could be considered Super Heroes although The Master is certainly a Super Villain.

Can we propose the obvious? Captain Jack Harkness?
Yeah, I'm thinking my non muscular frame and my lack of 51st Century dance moves would probably make this a tough sell. Plus, he's a Time Agent and that's a step down from a Time Lord so hmmmmm. Not nearly good enough. And the rest of the Torchwood staff? Hmmm. Just great ass kickers, not super heroes. And there is that whole "most of them are dead" thing.

There's always my favorite femme fatale, Doctor Girlfriend

Or perhaps Edna, tailor to the Super Heroes? Anyone that could make a fire proof baby outfit for Jack Jack is a superhero in my book.

But I do love me some Monarch and Henchmen too.

Hey, with my joint hypermobility, I could be a real life elasti-girl!

Whatever it ends up being, it must be cheap and accessible in local thrift stores.

I have been considering my super powers and am not above creating my own character.

Suggestions?