If You Can't Say Something Nice...

In the comments a couple of posts ago, I mentioned our American quick fix ideas when it came to weight loss. If it's bright, shiny and costs a shit load of money, it must work! It will make me lose 50 pounds in two weeks! Whooo hooo! Sign me up!

People are free to be as stupid as they wish. They are free to waste their money. They are free to think swinging from one diet to the next will get them what they want. Frankly, I don't care.

The thing is, we have the same mentality for so many other things as well. Quick fix, get on with it, life is all shiny and happy again. Hey loser, why are you still crying????

I fell into that trap this week. No, things aren't all done with but I certainly hope the worst is over.

So, I asked myself, why am I hit by the sudden need to deflate and cry. Yes, I have my victim impact statement rolling around in my head 24-7. Yes, I see the effects of this life in my kid's eyes. Yes, I feel horribly alone and exposed.

But hey, the worst is over, right?

It didn't hit me until I was out and about and I happened to overhear a conversation while looking for fabric for my tablecloth. While browsing at the quilt store, one of the older employees was discussing how people are treating her, one month after losing her husband of several decades.

They're telling her to get out and start dating.

They're telling her that it's time to get over it.

They are taking whatever she tells them, from the bottom of her heart, and stomping on it.

She was absolutely beside herself. "How can people say that? How can they be so cruel?"

I wanted to give this woman a hug while she cried. I wanted to tell her that I had a shitty marriage for a measly 17 years that ended with infidelity and pedophilia and it's been five months and I'm still not over it. Check back in a year, or two, or more.

People have a right to mourn their sadness.

I actually caught myself humming the other day and it made me stop in my tracks. When was the last time I hummed a tune while cooking dinner? Months.

The realization of moving on made me smile, for a minute. Then I stopped and burst into tears.

It is such a long road to travel.

First Anniversary

365 days.

That is how long it has been since I decided to change my life through diet and exercise.

Who knew it would also consist of divorce and incarceration as well.

As I look back at the post on May 30th, 2008, all I can think of is WHO THE HELL IS THAT PERSON???

Well, not completely, it's just that whole hind sight thing. If I must be totally honest with myself, our trip to Toronto was a big eye opener on the marriage front as well. When you go on a family vacation and your husband chooses to stay in the hotel room for 99% of the time while you go out and explore the city with the kids, there is something wrong. The ONLY time we went out as a couple was when I took him to a pub that I had found online because he liked good beer and I thought he would enjoy it.

He did go out once on his own. Without any kind of a map of the city or subway and when he came back, all he did was bitch to the heavens about "this damn city!" being hard to navigate. "Did you take the subway map?" I asked. "No!" He answered as if this were THE DUMBEST QUESTION EVAH!

Getting a divorce "someday" was definitely on my agenda after that family trip. I wanted to do it in a controlled manner. I wanted to get myself prepared.

Yeah. That part? Didn't work out so well.

But, as I sit here this morning, I have to give myself credit for the past year. It's not something I do easily or well.

I lost 95 pounds of personal fat and 240 pounds of extraneous fat.

I'm physically and emotionally stronger than I've ever been.

I'm learning how to relate to members of the opposite sex in a healthy way.

I'm owning what I have done wrong.

I'm realizing what was out of my control.

I've learned, time and time again, that I have an astonishing and beautiful circle of friends. I hope I can be there for them if they need me. And I hope that they never have to go through something like this.

I've learned to accept people's kindness after years of not realizing that I never received it at home.

I have tattoos. And I like it!

I've learned to gut check myself. I've learned that the easy way out is never easy in the end.

I've learned that, even though I don't fall apart often, knowing that my friends won't be freaked out when I do, is invaluable.

I've learned that no one else in the universe can take care of me as well as I can. Bubble baths are not frivolous. They are one way of telling the world "For the next half hour, the only person that matters is me."

And then I drain the tub and get on with life.

When Nerds Come Blinking Into The Light

It's such a blast to meet people that I haven't seen in months. Simultaneously losing close to a hundred pounds and getting a divorce are the perfect set up for my favorite line:

Them: "Oh my God! How much weight have you lost???"
Me: "I've lost 240 pounds of depressing ugly fat! I'm getting divorced!"

Yeah, it loses something in print but the expression on people's faces when they're trying to work it out in their minds is priceless.

A really amazing thing is happening lately. I actually have this thing called a "social life". I found it flabbergasting to have a CONFLICT in my social calendar in which I had to CHOOSE where I wanted to go on a Friday night.

Dude, it's like a nerd marrying the prettiest girl in class. No one can fathom how it happened but it's kind of fun to witness.

Not to say that I've abandoned early evenings, snuggled up in bed with two full seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on my Ipod, or hot bromance from Torchwood on a quiet Wednesday evening, but having little flirty conversations on the phone with a cute guy every now and then does a girl some good.

Life's good when you're 240 pounds lighter!

Happy 400th Blog Post! Charge on!

As Blogger has just informed me, this is blog post 400.

Well, I guess I'd better not waste it, eh?

I was able to get all my paperwork handed in today for food stamps. Apparently when you have an Order For Protection, you don't have to wait 90 days on income. Now I just need to wait and see what happens.

I also got a phone call from the St. Louis County Attorney's Office. My S-T-B-Ex Husband has been charged by the county prosecutor for second degree criminal sexual conduct. He will be arraigned on Tuesday, February 17th in the first floor arraignment court at the county courthouse sometime between 8 am and noon. Don't know if I need to be there but I will be... I want to witness his first brush with consequences. Perhaps I'll bring popcorn!

Last but not least, I leave in an hour to get taxes done. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to shake out this year but it will be interesting.

Oh, wait a minute! One more thing!

I hit my goal weight today! I have officially lost 85 pounds. I can now start learning how to maintain instead of lose. To celebrate, I totally lost my head and bought a bathing suit at Target today. It actually has a bright bold print on it and what's more, I LIKED BUYING A BATHING SUIT! I have NEVER had a pretty bathing suit and I have never bought a suit without wanting to cry.

So, all in all, I believe I will call this a good day.

The Most Edible Day Of The Year

When I was first married, I really only had a couple dishes that I could make with anything even close to pride. One of the selling points of marrying my husband was that he TOLD me he could cook. Of course, it wasn't until after we were married that I began to learn a key fact about my husband...while not necessarily making stuff up, presenting it in such a way as to make the listener believe that there is a lot more going on than is technically accurate, is THE NORM.

Having a job as a cook in a Mexican restaurant for six months when you are in your stoner twenties does not make you Rick Freakin Baylis. A week, A WEEK, after our marriage, I was informed that he had reached the limits of his talents in the kitchen and it was now MY turn to cook. Seventeen years later, no one has wrenched the baton from my hand and this relay race has turned into a marathon.

The thing that he failed at is the realization that the human brain has the capacity to learn new things. Being brought up in the midwest surrounded by jello with marshmallows and grated carrots (seriously, WHAT THE FUCK???), and then moving down to Oklahoma where they serve chicken fried steak along with vegetables coated in goo and fried, it is amazing that I have actually survived at all. Also, while I desperatly enjoy reading the church lady cookbooks that have 421 recipes, all involving velveeta and mayonaise, in the end they are best left adorning the shelf and giving your guests the impression that once in your life, just perhaps, you actually stepped into a church.

As I've said before, the more weight I lose (70 pounds so far), the more I want to use calories to eat good things, not just things to fill the gob hole. I've always been a sucker for cooking shows and since getting hi def tv, I've been learning a lot from America's Test Kitchen and it's sister show, Cook's Country. Up until now, most cookbooks and cooking shows just tell you what to do, not WHY you're doing it. Now that I'm learning a lot of the "why", I'm getting better in other areas of cooking as well. Also, not being one for blind allegiance, I'm finding that I really do follow their recipes because they've already done every single one eleventy million times and you know that in at least one of those eleventy million times, they changed it and did it the way that you're thinking and OBVIOUSLY, it sucked so don't waste your time.

I've recently gotten the last two annuals which have all that year's magazines in hardcover and I've also gotten the Cook's Country Cookbook. Thus far, every single recipe I've tried has been amazing. Nothing has fallen down, leaving me with my arms in the air in a gesture of supplication as the smoke roils through my kitchen and I shout to the heavens "Ming Tsai! How could you lead me to believe that you could make a damn pot of rice that way????"

Although I think I'm getting some skillz, I must admit, I don't really press my kids to learn to cook. My daughter is EXACTLY like I was at her age. "Call me when it's ready and NOT UNTIL!!!" (She recently asked if I knew that I didn't HAVE to grate my own parmesean cheese. "Do you know that you can just get it in this green can and it's all ready to use?" I told her she was giving me Vietnam flashbacks to my childhood.) My son, on the other hand, actually asks me ahead of time to be in charge of something when I cook a big meal. While it used to be things like making the Jiffy cornbread mix for the cornbread stuffing (cornbread stuffing is the ONLY good thing from the south), he has now graduated to bread and roll making.

So that's where I'm heading now. Into the kitchen to start cooking. I'll be listening to my favorite holiday tradition, Turkey Confidential, lighting some of my favorite candles (thank you Amy! Still enjoying the Cinnamon bun candle!) and sharing the very small space with my personal baker. The food is secondary and the meal is an afterthought but that time in the kitchen together? That's what I'm thankful for.

I'd Like To Thank The Academy

While it is personally gratifying to win a weight loss challenge in the work place, I find that it brings out all the wack job issues that people have festering in their oh so thin epidermis.

After starting to lose weight on my own, I hopped on the bandwagon at work when a weight loss challenge was announced. Every participant put $10 in the pot and the winner got it all.

I can't remember how long it's been, ten weeks perhaps? The final results haven't been issued yet but I've been told that it looks like I won with a weight loss of 26.2 pounds. My overall weight loss is now up to 55 pounds so the 26.2 pounds, while being nice, isn't the whole story.

Some people have asked me if I've won and I've said the results aren't final yet. I have also not spoken about it unless the subject is brought up by someone else first. This doesn't, however, keep some of the head cases from issuing their own opinions.

I've spoken about the one person who likes to tell people that I have an eating disorder. This being the person who has had gastric lapband surgery and tries to tempt me with food. Another person, who would have been proclaiming herself grand poobah from every rooftop in town had she won, told me that she she discovered something during this weight loss challenge. She discovered that she has a far too busy life to worry about this stuff. Of course, before I started to lose weight, she was trying to convince people that she would be a great coach for them in their personal weight loss goals. I remember listening to her and thinking "For the love of God, shut your freakin' mouth!" It appears that she is unable to cork the snark but since I've dropped weight, she hasn't offered any coaching lessons.

So, if I win, I will quietly collect my cash. If I lose, I will quietly not collect my cash.

In the mean time, I'll continue to alter my pants and shop at Goodwill for that rockin' new wardrobe I need.

A Big Fat Annoyance

There is a woman I know who is perhaps the craziest bat shit insane person out on the streets, pretending to be a normal member of society. I believe I have alluded to her before but there are times when I have to sit back and simply marvel at her level of fuck-upedness.

As soon as she meets you, she is asking inappropriate questions, prying into your life, and trying to figure out where your weak spots are. Once she has that figured out, she continually strikes, often asking the same question over and over and over, barely taking a breath, until you are forced to answer, walk away, or pull out a shot gun. In all reality, I'm amazed that someone hasn't done the later already.

An example of her torment? Pulling out her boobs in a public place after having a boob job to show to an aquaintence who had just had a mastectomy. We're talking high class here.

So recently, she had gastric band surgery. And a couple days ago, I wore a new pair of pants that are actually the size that I need, as opposed to the pants that are three sizes too big (Forty two pounds now lost-thank you very much!) that I wear with my husband's belt. (I'm always free to give fashion advice...just give me a ring!)

Well, leading up to her surgery, she has done nothing but bitch and moan about how little she was allowed to eat! She was STARVING! Those kids in Africa had NOTHING on her SUFFERING! All this time I kept quiet and didn't tell her that even though she was bitching, I was still eating 200 calories a day less than her. I tell this woman NOTHING!

So, she asks me if I've lost weight and one of my very supportive friends pipes up and says "Yeah! She's lost over forty pounds!"

And so it starts.

I always carry fruit in my purse and whenever she sees me eating, she's asking me repeatedly, "Bet you don't want that...bet you don't want that,,,bet you want something sweet...bet you want some chocolate..." She also stands close to me, phones people on her cell phone, and talks loudly to them about how she knows this person who has lost over forty pounds but that they probably have bulemia..."

The one thing that thankfully, I knew to do when I first met this woman, was not to engage. It drives her NUTS! So, no matter how much I want to wrap my scrawny arms around her neck and give a sharp twist, I just sit at my computer.

I am the Cheshire Cat. I will smile blithly until you choke on your own venom.

But I have to admit, after seeing The Dark Knight three times and telling my daughter that I would cosplay The Joker if she cosplayed Batman, I really want to show this woman the pencil trick.