Medicate Me With Music

There were two things that really helped me through the last nine months: Friends and music.

As I've moved through the different stages of grief, my listening habits have changed. I've moved away from the raw anger and betrayal songs that dominated the first few months and I thought that meant progress.

Then I listened to this song this morning.

Again and again and again.

The words and the video have brought me to my knees but funnily enough, it made my stomach ache go away.

The poison builds up if you let it.

Mid-Week Blather

Congratulations everyone on picking such a rockin' planet to live on.

Now TAKE BETTER CARE OF IT OR LEAVE!

There. I've done my part for Earth Day.

I'm also going to Earth Exchange after work for their 50% off recycled goods sale. I'm hoping the kids can find some clothes thtey like for summer. As hard as I try to impress upon them that we really can't afford to buy clothes for them, they insist on growing. I find it VERY RUDE. They are not buying into my new found philosophy of public nudity.

I'm feeling very ADHD today...Playing WAAAAYYY to much Rogue Traders. There is no way to physically be still while listening to their music. I defy anyone to walk through the grocery store while listening to "Watching You" and not get a little too funky with the romaine lettuce. It sure beats crying, but now I'm sure the staff think I'm bi-polar.

It's been kind of interesting to track my musical evolution over the past four months. FOUR MONTHS! My God! It seems like yesterday but it seems like ten years ago. I've heard about the stages of grief until I want to puke, what I reaaly want to hear is a discussion of what music people listen to while going through these stages. I arrange my Ipod by playlists that are all about my mood. How many other people have playlists called "Fuck Life", "Cranky Camper", "So Very Sad", "Gonna Kick Somebody's Ass", and finally "Gotta Dance".

I've been stuck on "Gotta Dance" a lot lately. Spring is hopefully here. Court dates are set. And I spent my lunch yesterday chatting on the phone with my NGF like a damn teenager.

Kinda takes the edge off.

I'm still swinging through the jungle, grabbing one vine and then the next, and it's unwelcome and scary and at times exhilarating. The vines are a little stronger, a little closer together. I just want to make sure not to look down.

Friday Afternoon Coming Down

Thank you so much for my new favorite song! It will be going on the Ipod ASAP! The perfect combination of anger, piss offedness, and a self affirmation. I guess I should stop telling my daughter to turn down that "DAMN Linkin Park!"

I'm back from the lawyer and I think I am momentarily drained of my anger. Just feeling incredibly sad.

I did, however, appreciate the fact that she is going to fight for me to not have to even see him. We will be doing everything seperately, even signing papers. I told her the same thing I told the police, although I would never actually do it, I have a healthy fantasy life that involves a big ass gun and his head.

Thankfully I'm smart enough to realize that my kids deserve at least one parent that isn't in jail.

And now, for those of you about to rock...I salute you!
In The End - Linkin Park

Now Let's Sort Out That Ipod

Throughout all of the last two weeks, I've been skittering around trying to either stoke fires or put out fires. From police to social worker to gas company to bank to courthouse. I feel like a pinball.

It's usually when the day is done that I start to look inward. Except that is, when the enormity of it all crashes down on my head in the middle of Mt. Royal Fine Foods or while I'm on the phone at work discussing printer cartridges. (Printer cartridges can be a VERY touchy subject for me).

I have different playlists on my Ipod for different moods and usually I have to keep it on "Cranky Camper" to even think about getting through the day. I am beginning to start my new playlist though I don't have a name for it yet. I already have an "Oh so sad" playlist but that doesn't really cover this situation. I'm not always sad. Sometimes I'm furious. Sometimes I'm broken. Sometimes I'm regretful. Sometimes I'm empty.

Since this is such a multi-layered issue with such poisonous implications, your run of the mill break up songs hardly apply. Not a lot of songs contain break up and jail time. (Hmmm perhaps I should start my own record label?)

I'm falling back on my favorite jazz singer a lot lately.

When I'm feeling vengeful? Definately "Gotcha" by Patricia Barber






Feeling broken? I recommend "Pieces" by Patricia Barber






Feeling regretful? I recommend "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman





Feeling meloncholic and sad? There's always Cake with "Sad Songs and Waltzes"




Need a good song to get you through filling out an order of protection at the county courthouse? I recommend John Mayer's "Gravity"



This playlist is taking suggestions...I need a good song for "Going to the Divorce Lawyer" tomorrow. And if a single person recommends "D-I-V-O-R-C-E" I promise you, I will find you and give you the painful slap you soooooo deserve!