Mother's Little Helper

I am choosing not to medicate myself with anti-anxiety meds this morning. They have a tendency to make me slow and stupid, like I'm swimming through jello.

A year ago, my doc gave me this prescription to help me through the madness. He warned me that they can be addictive and that I should only take them when I REALLY NEEDED THEM.

Well, on the first anniversary of the two anniversaries over these next two days, I'm still on that original prescription.

There were a couple professionals that tried to get me to take anti-depressants instead but the last thing that I thought I needed was to feel numb, no matter how much I really wanted it.

Walking into the courthouse? Yep. I was medicated. It's a good thing that I was drugged at the attempted name change because it slowed me down a bit when I ran screaming after him at the elevator. Had it not been for the intervention of chemistry, I very well might have leaped onto his jugular and feasted on the refuse of humanity. I am, after all, a Krillitane.

So, I guess the medical community and the criminal justice community can stand down. I'm not addicted to their pills and I didn't act upon the darker impulses in my heart.

Now if I could just kick that black tar heroin habit, I'll be golden.

Low Fidelity

Everyday I check to see if I’m divorced yet.

I can sense it. It is getting closer and closer.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he will be pulled in his sleigh by eight lawyers. The team will be led by a red nosed judge, lighting the way through the fog of legalese.

The biggest holiday gift would be a divorce by December 19th, the anniversary of the beginning of the end. I’d also happily accept a divorce by Christmas.

You know, cuz I have so much SAY in the matter.

It’s kind of interesting though. I find myself surrounded by many people who have been commenting on the current Tiger Woods drama and they all seem to be of the mind that “Of course he’s cheating. When you marry a celebrity and you live in the big house with all the diamonds and riches, infidelity is the price you pay for living the high life.”

So, I’m wondering what their excuse is when a normal average joe/jane cheats? When a person isn’t surrounded by beautiful people telling them that they walk on water and there are no crowds of people throwing themselves at the person, when it is an anonymous act of infidelity, is that ok with them too?

I’m really not the person to lay that out on the table as I’m trying not to let the freak flag fly too high. What I feel and frankly, what they feel, is irrelevant. Infidelity comes down to the three (or four or ten or two hundred) people involved.

But my ideas on fidelity seem to be old fashioned. You’re married? Screw away! Chase the skirts, chase the suits, chase any willing human being down and screw them till your blind because being married DOESN’T MATTER.

So then, I propose (pardon the pun), why get married in the first place?

Speaking from the other side, from someone who doesn’t subscribe to the whole infidelity schtick, why would someone put up with a spouse that is unfaithful? I can’t wrap my head around one slip up but I know that perhaps, just perhaps, I’m a bit out of the norm there. OK, your spouse cheated on you and you took them back. Did you at least go to counseling? Did you at least try to figure out why? Or did you just push it under the rug and pretend that it didn’t happen. When you lie in bed with your spouse, do you feel like you’re sharing it with all their recent conquests?

But then, they cheat again. And you take them back. Again.

Now I’m getting really confused.

I just don’t understand the mentality.

But then again? I’d be the screaming meemie swinging the golf club at 2 a.m.

Stand Back! I'm An Expert!

So many people that I know of have had issues with infidelity lately. Straight friends, gay friends, people are horrible to each other and seem to have no conscience when it comes to cheating.

As I was waiting in the lobby of the therapists office this week, I read an article about the different online sites where people can go for forums on different marital issues, where one forum will be for the spurned spouse and another will be for the cheaters and every now and then people will lurk on the cheater forum and find their "manhole", et cetera.

Dear f'n God! Is this high school???

There are people that hang out on these forums and act as these all knowing advice givers. Just because you have 2000 posts on a website doesn't give you a degree in marital therapy. It does, however, prove that you haven't seen the sun for months.

Perhaps I'm so incredulous regarding sites like this because it was a similar format where my daughter's molestation came to light.

Here is how this whole nightmare started.

Every now and then I go back and read the thread (which I HOPE AMONG HOPE to have parts read aloud in court). After reading the article on marriage sites like this, and knowing the facts that his manhole didn't willingly bring forth, it still makes me gap at how stupid vast swaths of the human race are.

"Let me give you my expert opinion. After all, I sell cigarettes and beer down at the One Stop. I should know!"

"Expert opinions" while knowing 25% of the facts are even more dangerous. No one even offered up the fact that she has a child of her own. And of course, her final post leaves it looking like she's ALL BETTER NOW THANKS!

I was astounded when someone commented that "no one has heard from the daughter yet", apparently thinking that having the victim of molestation comment to her daddy's girlfriend would be a stellar idea. Yeah, she's going for her psychiatry degree while popping popcorn down at the local cinema.

In fact, my daughter has read this thread. She wanted to know the caliber woman that would actually be taken in by her father.

"Oh my God", she concluded. "They're perfect for each other."

Slang This

Newest most favorite slang word?

Manhole.

Definition?

The woman your husband cheated on you with.

I read that today and giggled. Gallows humor rocks!

It's even funnier when your looking forward to going out for a beer with a cute boy.

I'm just sayin'.

Now At Amazon.com

I think I'm going to write a book.

After standing in the psychology section, the parenting section, and the self help section of the bookstore, I'm seeing a decided lack of realistic books on parenting. Let's cut to the chase and stop using all the euphemisms. Spirited child? Yeah, come to terms with the fact that your kids is WILD. It's like AA, once you speak your problem out loud, it becomes easier to tackle.

I want to write a book called "How To Not Fuck Up Your Kids".

Direct and to the point.

Obviously, there is a need for it.

Reading the stories of local child abuse trials, listening to horrifying stories in group, and knowing what my stbx did, there are a lot of people out there that need a "Dick and Jane" type easy reader book with large font and lots of pictures that has a simple directive on each page.

Don't raise your child in a meth house.

Don't fill your baby's bottle with rum.

Don't twist your child's arm until you hear that annoying cracking sound.

Don't show your child pornography.

Don't use your child for pornography.

Don't let "Uncle Joe" babysit for the kids. What he learned in prison isn't going to involve positive early childhood education.

Don't hold your child's head under water.

Don't hold your child's hand on a hot stove.

Don't work as a prostitute out of your own home (I learned that one from Watchmen. For God's sake, get a street corner).

Don't pass out drunk among the Legos (those little bastards are sharp!)

If it feels wrong, then DON'T DO IT.

There will also be the section for the mildly awful parent.

Don't call your child stupid.

Don't live your obnoxious dreams through your child.

Don't shame your child.

And for God's sake, don't be one of those piss awful hockey Nazi parents that scream obscenities at the ref and beat other parents up.

Oh, and if your kid doesn't make the cheerleading squad, don't plot to kill the kid that did.

This whole life of mine lately has really made me think about the legacies that we pass on to our kids. I see so many horrible things (and when you're going through this, your vision is terribly clear) and I want to grab people and just shake the shit out of them. My kids asked me, long before this, why I was still married to such a loser. That was the beginning of my awakening to the truth of my marriage. It took the honesty of kids to point out what I was trying to ignore.

When stbx told me he was cheating, I brought up the fact that the kids had wondered for a long time why I was still married to him. "Is that ALL they said?" he demanded.

Yeah, what he was fishing for was whether or not my daughter had told me what he did. Once I found out the truth, I looked back on this conversation in absolute disgust. What a good dad! Trying to save his ass to the bitter end.

Perhaps the last page of my book will be for people like me.

Trust no one.

Bitch, Please!

There is something blowing on the wind and it has nothing to do with Bob Dylan.

I woke up this morning and actually felt good. No, seriously, I was grooving on the positive vibes in the universe.

I've paid out a shit ton of money this week for home repair and lawyers. Perhaps it is finally time to throw up my hands and admit that when it comes to laughing or crying, I am choosing to laugh.

Check back in a couple of days, perhaps the lithium will kick in by that time.

(No, I'm not on lithium. It's far cheaper just to brew up meth in your bathtub and when all your teeth fall out, you don't have to worry about going to the dentist.)

I like to compare my life currently to being the violinist on the Titanic. I might be screwed but I'm going down with grace and style.



Which brings me to something that I've remained silent about for far too long.

(Grace and style lasted 2.2 seconds).

Blog stats don't lie and the fact that my pedo stbx's fuck puppet girlfriend checks in on this here blog several times a day is frankly psychotic. Sorry to step outside of my own blog world for this personal message to Alissa but I don't post 4-8 times a day so it really does you no good to check in that often. Bitch, please!

And now, if there's anything you'd like to say to a woman that would coddle a pedophile when she has a 6 year old daughter of her own, you can leave them in the comments and I'm sure she'll check it out.

Maybe even several times a day!

A Funny Thing Happened While You Were Cyber-Fucking Your Girlfriend

I had another idea for a post today. I wanted to get all deep and explore whether or not a pedophile can ever really understand what love is. Due to the very nature of their self-centered victim mentality, whether they can actually comprehend that love means respect and give and take and mutual caring and understanding. I don't believe they can. If they have never known love as a child, they are certainly not going to learn it as an adult.

Which means that a victim of incest who is tearing herself apart because she is SUPPOSED to love her father and her father was SUPPOSED to protect her and care for her, but yet her father did horrible things to her and in no way exhibited that he loved her, is in fact tearing herself apart for an ideal which never existed in the first place. You don't treat someone you love like this. Consequently, you have never been loved by this person, you have only been used for their own selfish purposes.

BUT, all this is basically moot today. All this is being shoved to the back burner. Why, you might ask? Because not only did this perverted fucking asshole ruin our lives but we are currently living with the fact that, the two and a half times that he actually hauled his lard ass up from his chair to do something, he did it in such a half assed way that we are now paying the price.

What do you do when your sump pump is making funny noises? Why, you unplug it of course! And what do you do when your wife asks you what the "next step" is? You continue to play World of Warcraft, give a long exasperated sigh, and start bitching about having to "deal" with it. You, nonetheless, give the impression that you will indeed, do something.

But just like all the other projects in the house, you don't "deal" with it. You unplug the sump pump and let it float in the ever increasing well of water in which it is supposed to be pumping.

Gotta meet your level 7 healer online! Gotta call her on the phone so you can have pathetic loser phone sex! Gotta convince her that you're the victim and everyone else is SO MEAN TO YOU!

Gotta do everything for yourself and fuck the rest of your family.

And you're pissed off at me in the midst of this divorce???? Wanna see a flooded basement? Want to know what it feels like to have every single aspect of your life crumbling around your ears and all you can think about is that three hour cell phone conversation with your bitch in Wisconsin? Cuz, you know, that's where your REAL responsibility was!

And when the fucking pedo reads this along with his fucking girlfriend and her doormat husband and his co-dependant siblings and the rest of the god damn universe that is hell bent on making our lives suck as much as possible, might I just say this

FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!

I ain't No Elizabeth Edwards

Seriously, can we talk?

Can we discuss the concept of infidelity? And I don't mean infidelity followed up by a dose of pedophilia. Please forgive my life, it has a tendency to be all mushed together like your Aunt Eileen's Spam Loaf on a fourth fo July picnic.

I'm just talking about sticking your proverbial junk in someone who you shouldn't be sticking your junk.

Or to be perfectly fair, receiving said junk.

And to be all inclusive, yes, cheating also consists of the sticking of ones junk/receiving of ones junk via the many electronic media out there. My theory is, people who cheat via the internet and/or four hour cell phone calls only lack proximity. If the object of their junkification was standing in front of them, much merriment would ensue.

Life is very complicated. Marriages break down. My marriage broke down a long time ago. I knew this when my kids were small. It took until recently to start making my escape plan. I was sketching out my roadmap to freedom when the wheels fell off the wagon.

Perhaps my STBX figured this out. Perhaps he realized that I was so incredibly sick of his shit that instead of getting angry that he was a negative, overweight, overbearing bastard, I simply decided not to give it anymore of my energy. I was sick of him. I was taking care of myself and my kids, and he no longer had anyone to complain to, to play the victim for, or to harrange. He was a non-entity.

So he found a twenty-something with mental health issues and a six year old daughter. Everything that he needed. Someone who didn't know his game. Someone that he could try to reinvent himself with. Someone that spent an equal amount of time online and wouldn't feel like they were dealing with an emotionally immature idiot.

So, the question I ponder here is this: Is she innocent? Is she a victim because she's got a history of mental health issues? She's still hanging with him and had the gall to email me to tell me what a great mother she is. To quote the best cowboy movie ever "she just can't quit him".

This whole situation has made me feel like I'm surrounded by crazy people. My STBX can molest his daughter and try to come off as the victim, his fuck puppet girlfriend can try to convince herself that she's a good mother because she would never let her daughter near her new boyfriend, and her husband still wants her back.

Did I mention that this is the second time she's cheated on her husband?

As I said, marriages break down. It's the strong couple that can face each other and say "we either need to fix this or we need to split." I knew there was no fixing my marriage because my STBX will never change. That is the saddest and most ironic part of his fuck puppet's story. She thinks that he will change. She thinks that she has some magical thing that will turn his life around. She just can't realize that she is mearly a hunk of meat heading for the grinder.

And people who are prone to cheating DON'T CHANGE.

If it's in your psyche that it is permissible to cheat on a spouse, changing your spouse won't change that part of their personality. One day, they will get bored, angry, depressed, whatever. Then, they will cheat again.

If you appreciate being a doormat, stick around. You'll have your chance again.







This is me. Not being a doormat.

Any Interest Ladies??? Bueller? Bueller?

I almost shot milk out of my nose when my daughter showed me this. Another one of those gallows humor moments that I love her for.

This would definitely be the dating service my STBX would use. The resemblance is uncanny!

And Now The Award For Mother Of The Year

Finding out yesterday that my husband has now hooked up with his level seven healer in the flesh leaves me with mixed feelings. I know this woman is so screwed up that I should feel sorry for her. I know this woman is totally falling for his martyr schtick. I know this woman thinks he is the bees knees and wants to "save him". (Wow! a WILLING SAVIOR! Isn't he a LUCKY BOY???)

But this sticky wicket is the fact that she KNOWS he is a pedophile. He confessed to her because he wanted to "start over fresh" with her. Notice he didn't confess to the actual person that could help his daughter, he confessed to the person that would be pulled into his little martyr fantasy. "Oh the world has done me wrong and anything that I have done in response to it is THE WORLD'S FAULT. This has been his life's philosophy for as long as we have been married.

And drumroll please....

She has a six year old daughter.

TAA DAA!!!!!!

Here we go with another sad story of a fucked up woman that thinks she can save a man and is willing to put her child up as jail bait to do it.

The saddest part of this tale is that the child's father can't do a damn thing about getting custody from his wife because my soon-to-be-ex -husband hasn't been charged with anything yet.

Remember what I said about this whole thing taking months and months to resolve? Yeah, time is not on that child's side.

All Pissed Off And Nowhere To Go

This journey is such a strange one, the emotional roller coaster never ceases to amaze me.

I really haven't honestly sat down and acknowledged my incredulity and anger regarding the whole cheating aspect of this melodrama. I found out about it and then less than 24 hours later I found out so much more that it was immediately pushed to the back burner.

Since my soon to be ex-husband hasn't changed his address yet, I'm still receiving his mail. There is nothing like looking at his cell phone bill and realizing that the man who would completly ignore the presence of three other human beings that lived in the same house as him and were less than three yards away from him the majority of the time, was chatting up his girlfriend while at work for sometimes three hours at a time. There were thirty minute conversations from him and then two hours later another hour conversation from her. They spoke on the phone three, four, sometimes five times a day.

This, from a man who would go for days and exchange only snide, rude, condecending comments to his family. This, from a man that I struggle to remember the last time he said a single positive thing to anyone.

There are things that I am keeping willfully ignorant of. I am not trying to find out where in this city my soon to be ex-husband is since I would be all to tempted to stand on his doorstep with a baseball bat. That's why I so appreciate my lawyer in this matter. She realizes that there are times when I am in a very dark place indeed.

This morning's rage has nowhere to go. I have been doing my best to channel my anger and anxiety into exercise and meditation and sorry stabs at humor. I hope that this will be the week that the police bring my husband into custody. I hope he actually doesn't force everything into an open court where he will not only have to admit to being a deviant but also drag us down with him. I hope he signs his divorce papers this week as well. I hope I never have to see him again.

I have an amazing group of friends. I have a web of support that will wrap me up in a heartbeat. But this morning, right here, right now, I have a heart filled with rage and anger. Hope may be the thing with feathers Emily...but things with feathers are notorious for shitting on your head.

Jilted for a Level Seven Healer

Drama, drama, drama.

For anyone reading this blog for any length of time, you may note a conspicuous dearth of blogging about my husband. That's basically because he does two things, he works and he plays World of Warcraft. And when I say that he does just two things, I sincerely mean that. He does not participate in our lives, he just bitches about things that he knows nothing about and pervades the house with Eu du Negativity.

Well, ACTUALLY, he does THREE things! He works, plays World of Warcraft, AND fucks around with his level 7 healer.

"Fucks" being a word meaning "having pathetic online and telephone sex" with his level 7 healer.

All of this came out after he called me out to the garage to discuss the fact that his level 7 healer has a husband and guess what! That husband found out and believe it or not, was none to happy about the state of affairs. Level 7 healer's husband tracked me down on the internets and was planning on calling me at work to tell me that my husband was an ass. Funnily enough, I already knew it, but just not the degree of assholedness.

I've been comtemplating escape routes for awhile now but there is nothing like a touch of adultery to grease the wheels of progress.

The most pathetic thing is that he doesn't realize how pathetic he is. There have been moments since he told me this that I actually stopped and started laughing to myself. He has a family in front of him and a woman online that he has never physically met. He actually tried to justify his actions because "You don't understand how important World of Warcraft is to me."

Hmmmm. Silly me. My priorities for the past 17 years have been raising happy, well rounded kids. Obviously, I don't see the BIG picture.

Well, financially it will be scary but mentally, I am so much better off. I needed this kick in the ass years ago. I needed someone to grab me by my face and say "you are enabling a loser!"

Damn! Looks like I could have used a level 7 healer!