Too Much Honesty Makes The Eyes Bleed

I told my kids that they didn't have to worry about me hooking up with someone at this delicate juncture of our lives. Yes, I have gone out a few times with a friend who just happens to have the opposing teams equipment, but I know I have a lot of work to do on my own head before I get involved in a real relationship.

I've seen too many divorced women swinging from one rotten relationship to the next, searching for ....what? They keep getting hurt and they never stop long enough to put themselves on the proverbial shrinks couch and learn about themselves first.

But when I made some smart ass comment about being a MILF, my daughter gave me the look. "Yeah, all those Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audio CD's piled up next to your bed make you a real prized catch. Maybe you could even get a Doctor Who night light to set the mood..."

Ouch.

But seriously? Kinda funny too.

She has a point.

I have two sources of literary entertainment on a daily basis. I read personal ads and I read obituaries. Really, they aren't that different. Both are trying to sell the reader on the merits of the person in question. It's just that one has the potential to have a future. Notice, I said potential...

The whole format of personal ads is screwed up. I can't sum up my wants and needs in 2000 words, let alone 20.

It would have to be something like this:

Soon to be single white female in search of something. This might be a relationship. This might be a friendship. If all the stars align, it might be both.

I have children. They are the most important thing in my life. You will not have seniority. You need to realize this. If you have a problem with it, take it to the Union President which would be...me.

I am not here to be your mother. I will not make your doctor appointments. I will not pick up your dirty underwear. I will not pick up your toenail clippings from the bathroom floor. (Well, I might do it because it is DES-GUST-TING and every time I see it, I will seeth with anger. Please use the garbage can damnit! God! I hate you already!)

ahem...

I would love to go camping, canoeing and hiking with you. I would love to learn about new hobbies that you are interested in. Please know that I will ask questions and want to understand things, except if we are talking about NASCAR. If you like NASCAR please stop reading and return to your trailer now, there is nothing more for you to see.

I like to cook for people that I care about. I also like people to cook for me. Note: "Cooking for me" does not involve calling out for pizza.

I'd like someone to talk to but not in an onerous way. You don't have to be my "girlfriend", I have plenty of those. Just tell me your hopes, your dreams, your successes, your failures, how your day went, what you want for dinner, and what you want to do on the weekend.

In other words, let's act like we give a damn about each other. Hey, maybe we won't be acting! Maybe we really will care!

Know that I will never wrap my life around another individual, ever. I spent 17 years shrugging my shoulders and saying things like "Oh, I don't care where we live". You know where that got me? In the middle of fucking Oklahoma with no one to talk to but the neighbor's pig. I have a plan in my head regarding where I will live and what I will do. I will not equivocate anymore.

Note that I am not a creature of culture. I do not care about "important" people's lives. I do, however, have a little fantasy world in my head that involves Time Lords and certain fictitious characters. Know that the seperation between Time Lords and fictitious characters was intentional. When a little blue box lands on my front lawn and a good looking man steps out and asks if I want to go for a ride, you can bet our relationship will be over. It's been real but let's face it...your old beater Chevy ain't got nothing on this guy.

As much as I would like us to have mutual interests, I would also hope that we can do things seperately as well. I don't need you hanging off my 24/7. I will go to the yarn store and knit. Please feel free to have your own "thing". Unless it involves NASCAR. Or online gaming.

There will be no online gaming. Get over it.

Perhaps the most important thing to realize is that I have some rotten shit to get over. I'm working on it. I'm working hard on it. But it makes me not trust people. It makes me think, on a daily basis, that 99.9% of the human race is out to cut my throat. There are times when I will revert back to the self of the past 17 years. I will be the long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. Like I said, I'm working on it.

I do have some rather strong values. I value honesty. As anyone who has read this blog knows, I can be painfully honest. I don't play mind games and I don't go for vengeful bitchery. I do believe in justice though and I will beat my head against the wall until I get it or I pass out.

I value respect. Over the past year, I have learned one thing the hard way. I will give as much respect as I get. For sixteen years, I gave respect and got nothing in return. Guess what? It's not a healthy lifestyle.

I also value empathy. Not sympathy. Empathy. The ability of one human being to put themselves in another's shoes and learn from the experience. Sometimes, it's learning things that you don't want to learn.

Also note this: I am not a girly girl. I don't mind getting dirty. I don't cry alot. I don't get all mushy and weepy. It doesn't mean that you can't melt my heart with a little kindness. Flowers? Chocolate? Putting the fucking toilet seat down when you get done peeing? It's all good.

Yeah. So that would be me.

Now that I read this through I think I will invest in that Doctor Who night light. I think I'm going to be alone for quite some time...

Leave Your Name And Number, I'll Get Back With You

Today, I am allowing myself to be ill. I don't know what we picked up at Convergence but the majority of the weekend was spent trying to find a sofa somewhere so I could curl up in a ball and meditate on not vomiting. I drank bottled water like crazy because I thought I might be dehydrated due to the fact that every time I stood up, the room would spin. I felt horrible on Saturday and then both kids felt crappy the next day.

From beginning to end, the old GI tract is not a happy camper even today.

Thank goodness for the movie theater at Convergence. I spent the majority of Saturday there, hiding in the dark, sleeping through most of the features.

Ahhh. Nothing like a get away to restore your soul!

At least we weren't as bad off as the folks who needed an ambulance at Convergence. I can just imagine the ER staff as the gurneys rolled in with what was probably a heart attack.

Full Klingon costume?

If ya gotta go, it might as well be in style.

My Soul Will Take A Big Mac And Fries

I've had three people in the last week ask me, after finding out what my kids are doing to wash all this crap outta their heads, what I am doing for myself.

We are going to Convergence this weekend, but I wouldn't really do that unless my kids wanted to. It will be a long tiring weekend and I'm sure I'll show up to work on Monday tired and exhausted and cranky so, not really sure it counts as something I'm doing for myself.

Since I'm already using my vacation time this summer for a trip back to Michigan, I'm looking forward to banking my vacation time for awhile and perhaps looking into getting a scholarship for an Outward Bound adventure next summer. I would love to move back to Maine someday and I spent enough time sailing off the coast of Maine to know that it's something that feeds my soul.

But for right now, especially after his lawyer cancelled the divorce hearing yesterday, I apparently have miles to go before I sleep.

Boldly Going

I have just had a cross generational nerd-gasm.

Star Trek was de-lish. Of course, Simon Pegg was PERFECT as Scotty.

There were so many perfect little moments that some people might not have caught but old farts were lovin' on.

Most wonderful part of the whole movie? At the end when we stood up to leave. There was a guy that had to be sixty or so who had come to the movie by himself and he was still transfixed even at the end credits. My daughter laughed and said "It's time to go now!" And he was just absolutely in his own delighted nerd-world. "But I have to see the credits! I LOVE the special effects!"

Now the trekkies know how I feel about the new Dr. Who. Favorite character AND pretty effects.

Now, if only Steven Moffett could make a Dr. Who movie, I just might wet myself.

When Nerds Come Blinking Into The Light

It's such a blast to meet people that I haven't seen in months. Simultaneously losing close to a hundred pounds and getting a divorce are the perfect set up for my favorite line:

Them: "Oh my God! How much weight have you lost???"
Me: "I've lost 240 pounds of depressing ugly fat! I'm getting divorced!"

Yeah, it loses something in print but the expression on people's faces when they're trying to work it out in their minds is priceless.

A really amazing thing is happening lately. I actually have this thing called a "social life". I found it flabbergasting to have a CONFLICT in my social calendar in which I had to CHOOSE where I wanted to go on a Friday night.

Dude, it's like a nerd marrying the prettiest girl in class. No one can fathom how it happened but it's kind of fun to witness.

Not to say that I've abandoned early evenings, snuggled up in bed with two full seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on my Ipod, or hot bromance from Torchwood on a quiet Wednesday evening, but having little flirty conversations on the phone with a cute guy every now and then does a girl some good.

Life's good when you're 240 pounds lighter!