Strap Yourself In To My Emotional Roller Coaster

So, a few days ago I wrote about my trip to the Community Health Clinic for those of us who bust our humps and can’t afford health care.

I was having all of my bloods tested for several different forms of autoimmune crap and joint related stuff since I have suddenly developed joint pain while doing things such as breathing, blinking, and thinking too hard.

On Thursday, I called and left a message that I was inquiring about my test results. This call, of course, happened after I was disconnected five times because the office receptionist was new. Yes, she might have been having a bad day, but after the fourth disconnection, I was getting kinda pissed. Note to staff: If you don’t know how to put a call on hold, DON”T PUT THEM ON HOLD!

So, I had to leave a message. And then I got this message back on my machine at work on Friday afternoon:

“We got your test results in and you need to call us Monday morning. As soon as possible. We open at 9 a.m. Call us then…”

Now, just think about this for a second. I’m about to embark on a weekend and all I can think of is WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??? Am I going to suddenly burst into flame? If I had been tested for cancer, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown before Monday morning…

So, as I sat in a Monday morning meeting and watched the clock tick past 9 a.m, I could feel the ends of my hair heat up. I was going to combust right then and there.

So, I get out of the meeting and call the clinic and leave yet another message. I believe it went something like
OHMYFUCKINGGODCALLMERIGHTNOWCUZIDON’TWANTTODROPDEADBEFOREIHEARFROMYOU!

And shortly thereafter, I get a call from a real live person that went, no kidding, just like this:

“Oh yes, I called you last week. We got your test results right here and ooooohhhhhhh.”

pause for a dramatic moment of silence.

“The doctor hasn’t seen them yet and I can’t say anything about this until she gets back in tomorrow. And she’ll be really swamped when she gets in so she might not be able to get back with you right away. BUT CALL.”

So, is this a good sign or a bad sign? It’s not serious enough that another 24-48 hours won’t kill me BUT CALL.

If I call in and they tell me I have testicular cancer, I’m going to buy myself some pet insurance and check into the London Road Vet hospital.