Friday, July 18, 2008

Leading The Revolution...the very hungry revolution

I wasn't buying gas or groceries back in the seventies, I don't have anything to compare recent price spikes to. I do know, however, that my combative style just isn't cutting it at the grocery store.

My refrigerator was bare yesterday. I opened it and heard crickets chirping and wolves howling. Now, I've taken to the quick stealthy visits to the grocery store. I dress entirely in camo, paint my face, put twigs and leafs in my hair, and swoop into the store for a quick bag of potatoes, three apples, and some juice. Or graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallow (the revolution moves forward upon the strength of their s'more making abilities). I have not done my "big shopping" for a very long time.

Yesterday, I went to the store with good intentions. I was going to bite the bullet and stock up. I left the camo at home.

I then proceeded to pick up 75% of the groceries I intended to buy, looked at the price, and said out loud "Fuck this!". In other words, I was one of those crazy schizo ladies that soccer moms are always worried about because they yell "Fuck this" at everyone and then they steal babies.

I also kind of went off the deep end at the pistachio pit. Since my stint with raw food, pistachio nuts frequently make it into my diet (shut up, I know they are roasted. Cut me some slack. They contain this magical substance known as 'protein').
One of those soccer moms was gabbing away with her vacuous lady friends while her two kids played in the pistachios like it was a sandbox.

"You know what I like?" I asked the older child, a boy of about five. "I like it when kids play with my food...especially if they've been picking their nose before hand, or maybe they went to the bathroom and didn't wash their hands. It ads a lot of flavor along with blazing diarrhea that lasts all night." They stopped playing in their pistachio sandbox and ran over to their mother. Obviously they could intuit my intentions to steal them. Later I saw them playing in the freezer case.

After I got home and the groceries were unpacked, my husband asked me "so when are you doing the big shopping?".

Tighten you belt baby. It's going to be awhile.

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