Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Victim Impact

Speaking of the mental health thing, (oh, by the way, I'm continuing on yesterday's topic. Please keep up, there will be a test) I think I have pretty much finished my victim impact statement.

I've been working and re-working it, putting it down for a few days, grumbling over it as I weed the garden, returning to it, reading it, and crying like it's all new and fresh once more.

I've finished with group therapy and I've been going to a therapist intermittently but I'm not sure that I've had as much gut wrenching revulsion toward the whole scene as I have while writing this statement.

Speaking with the victim advocate a few days ago, I learned that STBX and his lawyer will be the ones that have to ask for the judge to go outside of the normal sentencing guidelines and give him "mercy". This means, it will be out of the normal sentencing guidelines for him to go to jail and not prison.

If he goes to jail? Probably less than a year in actual time served. How's that for mercy? With all the things that I've discovered and all the hell that I haven't even talked about that my daughter went through, this piece of shit wants mercy.

So, this is an actual case where the victim impact statements that my daughter and I read will actually have a chance to sway the judge. It's not just an exercise in mental health, it's an attempt to put this bastard in prison where he belongs.

It comes down to a near out-of-body experience as I write the story of what being married to this person was like. Of all the signs of his perversion that, in hindsight, shine in the darkness like beacons. Of all the hours that I have beat myself up over being so blind. Of all of the years of his playing the victim while he abused his daughter and tried to bribe her into not telling.

Let me wrap my nightmare up in words of pain and sorrow. Let me say the right thing. And in the end, let me finally rest.


Rebecca Hartong said...

Amen to that.

Shelly said...

I read a Star/Trib article (Sunday? I'm sure it is still online) about how when pedophiles victimize family members, they have a far smaller chance of getting jail time (in Minnesota, anyway) than they would if they victimized a non-family member. I thought of you right away.

While the guidelines "call for" jail time, those who victimize family members very rarely get any, with the "logic" being that it is harder on the victim to have to testify against a family member, and that usually deals are struck to keep the victims from being further victimized by having to dredge up all the awful shit again in a tesstimony.

Supposedly, they want to "save" families.

If you read the article, though it will definitely piss you off, and rigthly so, it may give you some insight into how to craft your statements.

I wish you a steady are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Hi - got this link from your comment on StarTribune online. So sorry you and your daughter have had to go through that.
I've only read a few of your posts on here, but do you have one that tells about warning signs to watch for, so more children can be helped sooner and more of these monsters be stopped?

Debbie said...

Unfortunately, when I learned that my daughter had been abused, I felt like a house had fallen on me. Everything I know, I know in hindsight. This is what eats me up so much. STBX (soon to be ex) had an extremely addictive personality. He used to be addicted to drugs before I knew him, and always had an extremely addictive personality and ALWAYS denied it. He was addicted to being on the computer and I think he was addicted to porn. He also exposed my daughter to porn at a young age.

I'm always reading the signs of children who are being abused, the secretivness, frequent bladder infections, depression, self harm, but fingering the all but obvious perpetrators is like hitting a moving target.

It might be helpful to know what an abused grown up, usually a man, acts like and then just be wary of them being around your kids. Unfortunately, the only way to really know how they act is to live very close to one, like, in the same house. What they are to the world and what they are to you are often two very different things.

STBX had the attitude of an eight year old. If he didn't want to do something, he would just withdrawl, get on the computer, and play while Rome burned. I have often sat down and thought about how tired I am as a single parent and how hard it is and then I realize I was ALWAYS a single parent. I could count on two hands the times that he helped out doing ANYTHING in our marriage over the course of 17 years. In other words, he was extremely selfish and self centered.

Along with that trait, he had no ability to walk in anyone elses shoes. I suppose the the total lack of empathy is necessary if you are going to use a child for your own selfish sexual purposes.

He was an extremely negative person, he had nothing good to say about anyone, especially his family, and he was ALWAYS THE VICTIM. It didn't matter what the problem was, it was always someone elses fault, always someone else trying to get him, always someone else trying to screw him.

And none of these attitudes prove anything. You can't take a single one of them to court.

There were, in hindsight, comments that he made that are what haunt me. Comments that I never challenged him on. Only a couple in 17 years but enough, after all this came to light, to make me shudder. I'll discuss them after the sentencing on June 26th.

But in all reality, as I've talked to my girlfriends about the comments, they said that it wouldn't have been a red flag for them either. I don't know if they are being kind or honest. Hopefully honest.