Monday, July 13, 2009

Dear AKC

These are not my beautiful dogs. While I love my dogs dearly, I am still fascinated by going to the Dog Show when it comes to town. What? dogs that don't eat their own poop??? What is this world coming to?

Perhaps I should call it a Dog and Pony show?

I was, of course, hanging out at the Corgi ring like a rock star groupie. I promise, I didn't show my boobs to anyone, no one offered me drugs, and as much as I love Corgis, sleeping my way through the winners of the various classes seemed like a bad idea. I've seen Best In Show one too many times.

I only watch Corgis in the ring for their fluffy butts. I admit it. I have a problem.

Was I the only one standing in the grooming area, hoping to see a dog with a mohawk and a purple stripe down their back?

Or hearing the voice of the cybermen saying "YOU WILL BE PROCESSED! YOU WILL BECOME ONE OF US."

I get the biggest kick out of seeing the dogs outside of the ring.

Just hanging out, sneaking a cigarette, drinking from a hip flask

Wondering what they'd have to do to catch the eye of that cute little Sheltie sitting all shy-like in the corner.

Being a very "Un-Nazi" when it comes to dog breeding and dog shows, I think I should start my own dog show.

Some of the competition catagories/activities will be:
  • Fastest Newspaper/Magazine shredding
  • Best ability to look innocent when they are anything but
  • Cutest butt
  • Cutest ears
  • Most tolerant of obnoxious "stage-mother" dog show owner/participant
  • For Great Danes: Dog rodeo using four year old children as cowboys and three year old children as rodeo clowns
  • Ugliest grooming (I'm looking at every single one of you poodles...yeah, I'm talking to you...)
I think I will begin writing my letter to the AKC now. Only about 360 some days to get this thing all planned out...

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