Sunday, July 19, 2009

Seven Months Without Bloodshed

It's been seven months since I held the phone in my hand and asked STBX if he had ever molested our daughter.

And after he said yes, I told him if I ever saw him again, I would kill him.

Seven months since I made my one and only death threat.

You know, death threats are a dime a dozen on t.v. Everyone seems capable of making them or getting them.

But for an average Jane Schmo livin' in the burbs and NOT sellin' weed, death threats that are real and heart felt are actually quite difficult.

My only follow through was the verbal assault at the elevator in the court house which I muffed up. ("Motherfucker" does not turn heads. 50% of the people at the courthouse at any given time could probably fall under this umbrella. The phrase I should have screamed was "childfucker". This is an error that I regret to this day.)

But I really need to cut myself some slack. I mean, do normal people stand in front of their full length mirrors and practice their death threats? Is that what mobsters do when they are in their apprenticeship?

Perhaps one of the positive things I could draw from the last seven months is that I desperately wanted to kill this man and I didn't.

Until you live day in and day out with the overwhelming compulsion to destroy another human being, you really don't know how strong you are.

I have people tell me that I am strong because I've made it this far.

My strength doesn't lie in the fact that I survived.

My strength lies in the fact that he survived.


Tabatha Voros said...

Sorry, nope, can't agree. Well completely agree anyway. I think your a strong woman for BOTH reasons! Prayers and Thoughts coming to you from our family in Folsom, Ca.

Shelly said...

I do agree that you are strong because they survived (and also with what Tabatha said).

I know first-hand the seething anger that clouds all thoughts except those involving stomping up and down on someone's head when they richly deserve it.

My "killin" thoughts were never never the 'get it over with quick' kind--I wanted to grab certain individuals by the hair, smash their face into something 50 or 60 times until a bloody mush was acheived, then kick the living sh*t out of whatever was left. And I want to tell you, even though this all sounds violent, and it is, this is NOTHING compared to the lifetime of damage that a sexual deviant inflicts upon a person in their evil (yet somehow remarkably thoughtless) race to their sick satisfaction.

But, better to have him in jail than you...if there is one thing we must NEVER do, it is to put this person in a position where they can garner sympathy, from anyone.

Debbie said...

Which is why my little outburst at the courthouse pisses me off so much in retrospect. I'm sure people looked at him and thought "Poor bastard! Look at the crazy woman he has to deal with!"


Shelly said...

Hey, it happens--if the anger never surfaced, you wouldn't be human.