GI Woe

When I went on vacation, I told myself that I would let my hair down and eat whatever I wanted. I wouldn't be one of those hot house flowers that has to go on at length about my delicate eating habits and force everyone to hear what certain foods do to my sweet little lower intestine.

Yeah, about that...

Two days before I left to come home I was starting to puff up like the Goodyear blimp. Peristalsis with a GI tract that is now lined with shards of glass is no fun. I liken my digestive tract to a rock tumbler filled with thumb tacks.

Things are working ok on a strictly mechanical basis but I woke up at 1 am this morning and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, alternately lying on my stomach and then curling up like a pill bug. I have no appetite but whenever my body kicks into hunger mode, I'm nearly floored by the pain. Then I eat little bits and I'm nearly knocked out by the pain. Then I inflate like Violet Beauregard.

I haven't been nauseated but this morning, after finally giving up on sleep at 4:45, I took the dogs out for their walk and suddenly had to barf along the way. No warning...just sudden puking.

I haven't puked on someone else's lawn for at least 22 years. What's the protocol for that? Was I supposed to try to sop it up in my doggie doo bag?

I've tried every over the counter med I can find but since none of them really match my symptoms, I'm kind of at a loss. I have read all the labels and none of them mention anything about expelling Satan from your GI tract.

And the fact that my entire abdomen is horrifically tender to the touch is a real bummer. It makes it hard to assume my traditional "arms across the abdomen and scowly face" look of disapproval. Thankfully I'm not sensing that it's trouble with the appendix and I'm basing that notion upon my many years of attending Harvard Medical School. (That's secret code for "I looked it up on Web MD").

The pisser of it all is that with abdominal anything, any trip to the Dr's office or urgent care will end up in at least a couple thousand dollars worth of tests if not much more.

So for now I will walk around with all the grace and aplomb of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I will eat tiny bits of food. I will sacrifice a goat by the full moon.

And I'll send a dozen roses to the neighbor,