Friday, November 13, 2009

Just Move That Drop Cloth And Lay Down On The Sofa

Time to split myself in two again.

Me #1 needs to pull out the tweed jacket and the pipe and sit next to the sofa while Me #2 reclines uncomfortably on the sofa, fidgets with an unused kleenex and stares down at my shoes.

Schizophrenia can be fun when you role play!

At least, that's what the voices in my head tell me.

I notice stress as a problem when I start losing my shit with the pets. When I start telling Thing One that he is one classified ad away from finding a far more forgiving home, I know it's time to do a little mental house cleaning.

Which led me to the realization this morning that the overwhelming stress of the last year stemmed directly from my inability to put a single finger on anything in my life, except for my job, and say "I am in charge of this. I am responsible for what happens here. I am guiding this ship."

When you allow life to "just happen", bad things happen. That's what I've learned as a grown up. The one constant thing over the past few months that kind of held my glue together was getting up in the morning and going to a job that I at least felt mildy competent at.

Now I'm rebooting. Now I'm trying to learn how a new place does things while trying not to feel totally incompetent. It doesn't help when you have someone look you earnestly in the eye and ask "Is this a little above your skill level?"

I really had to bite my tongue from saying "I sure as fuck hope not."

I'm trying to figure it all out and sometimes I succeed and sometimes I get those earnest looks. I then come home to mass chaos as the painting has stopped during the week since it's already dark when I get home.

I'm just taping and planning out my next strategy...

I'm grateful that I'll have a little painting time this weekend as I find it to be meditative and therapeutic.

Meditative while I'm doing it and therapeutic when it's done.

Hopefully, it's not too far above my skill level.


Anonymous said...

"Is this a little above your skill level?"

Yeah, sounds like "code" for "we are starting to question if you really are one of us or if you really belong any place else but here, with us, as part of our 'family'."

Remember Minnesota is one of the many at-will employment states, which means for any reason, at any time, either you or your current employer can say goodbye.

Unless you have a solid contract that states otherwise... but even then, a crackin' good attorney can still drop their shorts and hand you the gold. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

As for the painting, I gave up on carefully taping, invested in a high quality 2" trim brush, and use a piece of cardboard and just take my time. Understanding that one or two coats doesn't always do it and it takes time to dry or cure before applying yet another coat.

And feeling split in personality doesn't always mean it is YOU who is "crazy".

Hang in there.

Debbie said...

Oh My! It's not quite at that point yet...or at least I don't think it is!

I'm very hard on myself and when others are hard on me, I have a tendency to grind myself under my own boot.

Maybe someday I'll learn to be one of those flippant employees that doesn't care, but I actually hope not!

Anonymous said...

maybe you should have stayed at the old job where you knew what you were doing ,it is hard to start over on a new job for everyone good luck