Monday, December 07, 2009

Attack Of The Killer Reindeer

So, this is supposed to be the season of giving right? The season when we all embrace our fellow man/woman/pets and say "Yes, I know that I treat you like shit 345 days a year but hey, 'tis the season!"

Well somebody needs to sprinkle that fairy dust around this place because someone has failed to tell the pets.

The dogs are having a snit with each other, the cats are having a snit with each other and occasionally a dog/cat combination will have words. Thankfully, both dogs don't throw their weight around when it comes to the cats, they just look at them in puzzlement as the cats hiss and slap them across the face.

Perhaps it was the full moon last week?

I'm working with my "personal dog trainer" (Hey Amy, it makes BOTH of us sound posh!) on the Shuggie issue.

Problem: Dog has been a rat bastard.

More complete problem: Dog has become possessive of his food and will lash out at Kirby if Kirby gets too close while he is eating. While they romp and play rough, I can always tell that they are playing. This though? This is wild eyes and snapping teeth and growling.

Last night though, in the midst of their running around the house and playing, Kirby jumped on Shuggie's back and how shall I say it? "Assumed the position"?

Shuggie might be acting like a rat bastard but Kirby has always been the "cool jazz"dog that will quietly make his point.

I had a mental image of a hillbilly prison guard with a billy club, entering the cell of a non compliant inmate: "You wanna screw with muh food boyh? Let me tell you what we do with your kind around here..."

Yeah, I've got the house all spiffed up and pretty, just in time for it all to go prison gay.

And the cats? The scrawny cat whom we affectionately refer to as Gollum cannot enter a room without walking up to the fluffy fat cat and hissing and smacking him upside the head. Of course, that just makes the fluffy cat roll over on his stomach and give his best "But really? How can you hate something as ADORABLE as me????" Gollum also goes into high end hissy fit anytime she walks into any room and finds that she is not the only pet.

Can you guess which pet in this house used to be an only pet?

So, I started taking steps to alleviate the food issues this morning. I moved the dog bowls further apart and stayed in the kitchen to monitor the "mess hall" during breakfast. If needed, I will bring my sidearm and my kung fu moves.

And perhaps, just perhaps, a little of the testosterone was drained away last night for Kirby (unfortunately NOT the one who needs it most). As we went for our evening walk, we passed a neighbor's house who has a lit up animatronic reindeer. Kirby was extremely wary of it as we started to walk by, growling just a little bit, sticking right by my side...and then it moved.

The hardest thing was getting him to actually keep walking as he was having an absolutely hysterical shit fit and I was laughing so hard I almost peed my pants.

Shuggie just watched us and wondered to himself "And these are the idiots who are trying to steal my food????"

1 comment:

Tripp Davenport said...


You call your cat "Gollum?!"

OMG. Please stop, or *I* may laugh so hard I pee *my* pants.

I was all set to try to give some good pet advice and by the end of your post I thought "Forget about it, I want these animals to stay just as they are so Debbie writes more posts like this one!"