From The Mental Mail Bag

Dear ITunes:

Pardon me but I didn't get the memo, you know, the one that told your customers that you were offering a new service? I'd like to personally thank you for wiping my 80 gig Ipod when I synched it last night. I understand that you must hold a great concern for those 399 podcasts that were cluttering up my device and yes, I guess I really didn't need those movies, especially the ones that I purchased from Itunes. Thanks for having my back!

Sincerely,

Your Customer With A Very Expensive Doorstop

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Dear waiter at the Duluth restaurant with the great steak fries:

Sweetheart, I have no idea what the heck your gig was tonight but just because I was dining alone doesn't mean I was lonely. I timed you. Coming up to check on me every 4.5 minutes was a bit excessive. Standing guard across the dining room and boring holes into my forehead with your attentively creepy stare was a bit trying as well. And at the end of the meal? When you told me "My night was far more interesting since you were here", I actually stopped in my tracks and gave you my best "perplexed vulcan with one raised eyebrow" look. Since you didn't even look old enough to be working at a bar I very nearly reached over and patted you on top of the head and asked you about your Lego collection. Allow me to introduce myself...I was the half of the equation that DIDN'T get off on children.

Sincerely,

So Not A Cougar

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Dear WDSE (PBS Duluth) :

It must be pledge week! All the shittiest of shows are on.
Frankly, I think you owe me money.

Sincerely,

Not Amused

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Dear Woman I Ate Lunch With:

Really? So, any intelligent woman would know that her husband is a cheater before they got married?

Really?

I very nearly blurted out "And does that go for pedophilia too?"

But we were at a full table and I thought that might be a bit of a conversation stopper.

Actually, I thought it might be a bit of a conversation starter...and you would tell me how stupid I was...and then I'd have to take you out to the parking lot where you would proceed to whip my ass seven ways till Sunday.

Yeah. I kept all niiiiiiice and quiet.

*bitch*

Sincerely,

Your silent companion

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Dear Neighbor:

I apologize for saying hello this morning at 5:20 a.m.
It didn't occur to me that you were trying to be covert. It didn't even dawn on me that a person lurking in the shadows of her own house in her housecoat, waiting for the dog to do her business, wouldn't want to carry on a conversation with yours truly.

I am, after all, at my most charming in the wee hours of the morning.

Charming, but a bit thick.

You really needn't run in the opposite direction or clutch the neck of your robe in fright.

I promise, I'll never speak to you in the morning again.

Sincerely,

Your Two Inch Tall Neighbor