Thursday, December 03, 2009

Low Fidelity

Everyday I check to see if I’m divorced yet.

I can sense it. It is getting closer and closer.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and he will be pulled in his sleigh by eight lawyers. The team will be led by a red nosed judge, lighting the way through the fog of legalese.

The biggest holiday gift would be a divorce by December 19th, the anniversary of the beginning of the end. I’d also happily accept a divorce by Christmas.

You know, cuz I have so much SAY in the matter.

It’s kind of interesting though. I find myself surrounded by many people who have been commenting on the current Tiger Woods drama and they all seem to be of the mind that “Of course he’s cheating. When you marry a celebrity and you live in the big house with all the diamonds and riches, infidelity is the price you pay for living the high life.”

So, I’m wondering what their excuse is when a normal average joe/jane cheats? When a person isn’t surrounded by beautiful people telling them that they walk on water and there are no crowds of people throwing themselves at the person, when it is an anonymous act of infidelity, is that ok with them too?

I’m really not the person to lay that out on the table as I’m trying not to let the freak flag fly too high. What I feel and frankly, what they feel, is irrelevant. Infidelity comes down to the three (or four or ten or two hundred) people involved.

But my ideas on fidelity seem to be old fashioned. You’re married? Screw away! Chase the skirts, chase the suits, chase any willing human being down and screw them till your blind because being married DOESN’T MATTER.

So then, I propose (pardon the pun), why get married in the first place?

Speaking from the other side, from someone who doesn’t subscribe to the whole infidelity schtick, why would someone put up with a spouse that is unfaithful? I can’t wrap my head around one slip up but I know that perhaps, just perhaps, I’m a bit out of the norm there. OK, your spouse cheated on you and you took them back. Did you at least go to counseling? Did you at least try to figure out why? Or did you just push it under the rug and pretend that it didn’t happen. When you lie in bed with your spouse, do you feel like you’re sharing it with all their recent conquests?

But then, they cheat again. And you take them back. Again.

Now I’m getting really confused.

I just don’t understand the mentality.

But then again? I’d be the screaming meemie swinging the golf club at 2 a.m.


Anonymous said...

Sorry for this intrusion, but if the sleigh is being "pulled" by lawyers AND a judge with a red, shiny nose - wouldn't the sleigh then be moving backwards, if moving at all?

Just can't get the concept of "work" and "forward" to mesh with "lawyers" in my head. And then I think of the coincidence between red, shiny noses and holiday beverages...

Did Santa really slide down the chimney into a home or did his PR person save his reputation the morning he was found slumped between the Christmas tree and the smoldering fireplace?

Perhaps it is a good thing Santa was first discovered by an innocent child instead of an attorney or Jesus Christ may have been depicted wearing red velvet pants. :P

Tripp Davenport said...

I'm gonna get clobbered here, but you deserve honesty.

The shortest answer I know is this - people aren't perfect. Ever.

A longer answer - society wants fidelity, our survival as a species required some infidelity.

Another possible reason, people evolved to die after their kids reached maturity, and the initial bond is designed to last for that length and no longer. Any more is a bonus.

You want poetry - the heart loves what the heart loves.

None of us know for sure what is in someone else's marriage. The chances are that there were attempts to work things out, and some people stick it out even when that doesn't work.

For some people, vows are a covenant with God, so if the other person breaks his/her vow that does not release the first person from his/her vow.

The whole topic is incredibly nuanced.

Debbie said...

I'm coming at it from a perspective of being dragged down someone else's rabbit hole so all I can say is that if someone wants to screw around, great. Break the bonds and move one.

It's all a matter of perspective. I could justify any kind of cheating by saying it's bound up in evolution and it's just gonna happen. That's easy to say when I'm the one doing the cheating. It's called making excuses and yes, we are imperfect beings and we make excuses.

Then I can stand over there and say that if one person cares for another person one little tiny whit, then they would never put them through the humiliation and degradation of being cheated upon.

Perhaps people cheat because they don't want to give up half of what they owe?

I don't know. And I promise I won't clobber you! The golf clubs are in the garage and safely out of reach.

Tripp Davenport said...

Since you will not clobber me . . . (thanks BTW) . . .

I greatly appreciate your perspective. The facts that you have worn your heart on your sleeve and that you have been so honest were the first qualities to draw me to your blog. Then your humor hooked me. Your writing is very compelling, because it is so real, and you are a brilliant writer because of it.

I think some people 'cheat' for the same reason they have sex before marriage, even though they think that is 'wrong' as well.

We have very deep needs, fundamental needs, needs for intimacy, and these go beyond sex but may include sex. When those needs are not met we have a strong compulsion to get them met, even if that means sex before marriage, or intimacy with someone not our partner.

I totally see a difference between the two, because infidelity involves a third party, the cuckolded husband or wife, although that term traditionally applies to a man.

I know of one specific case where the wife changed during the marriage, coming to despise her husband and refusing any intimacy, and instead having anger and frustration at her husband, and at the same time refusing divorce. This was revealed during couple's counseling.

I see the point that the husband should first get a divorce and when that is final then seek intimacy with another woman, but what happened is this man found intimacy after he heard his wife's true feelings and before the divorce proceedings started.

In closing I will agree that the simple answer of 'well the wife should know celebrities always eff around' in mean-spirited, incorrect, and is made so the person saying it can feel a false sense of security that 'therefore this will never happen to her.'

I appreciate, greatly, your willingness to hear this. Sometimes I feel great empathy for you, and sadness that you had to go through so much. I'm not hitting on you, I'm just expressing common human decency, and I wish you all the best!