Saturday, December 19, 2009

One Year

For a year, I've gotten to contemplate the idea of crime and punishment. Too bad I'm not a Russian writer soaked in vodka. It might have made the journey a little more coherent.

Often I give myself homework. Often I say "I know this will piss me off but I should read it/see it/do it. I just might learn something." Such was my idea behind watching The Woodsman. I thought it would push me a little too close to the edge but I thought I might also learn from it.

Which I did.

The movie centers around a pedophile getting out of prison and his attempts at reintegration into society.

In all honesty, there have been times when I have been so financially stressed that I just sat down and though "Hmmm. All he ever did was sit on his ass. How is doing that exact same thing in prison any kind of punishment?" Hey, he's even going to get tips on how to write out a job application and a resume which will allow him to list the prison system as his EMPLOYER while he's inside working for a buck-o-five an hour.

He will also never have a single obligation ever again for the kids. Life will proceed for him just like it always has...everything will be about him and him alone.

One time during our marriage, he told me he could never handle the thought of ever losing me. If something were to happen to our kids on the other hand, he could handle that...just not something happening to me.

Thankfully, I believe I responded to that statement with "What the fuck????"

So, I'm still trying to understand the idea of punishment.

He will only be able to live in certain places.

He will only be able to hold certain jobs.

Hmmm. Once again... how is this any different from the life he chose for himself before prison? He stayed in jobs that caused him to chafe and bitch at every human interaction. Unless he held a job that was just about him doing solitary tasks, he would never stop complaining.

My only two glimmering lights are that he will have to report to a parole officer. He will have someone who is in charge of him. He will have someone that knows his history and won't take his bullshit.

The other glimmer is that, as a convicted felon, he will never be able to vote again.

As someone who would often spout paranoid drival reguritated by the latest nutcase that he had listened to, voting was something very important to him.

Voting was a hell of a lot more important than his wife or kids.

I guess it's the little things that count.


Anonymous said...

I'm saddened that he still takes up so much space in your head. Please, KICK HIM OUT! Trying to understand or figure it out only continues your torment and will not change the past or the future. Forgive yourself! When he appears in your thoughts remove him - chant, sing, pray, dance whatever it takes. Don't give him one more minute of your time, attention, emotion! Beautiful warrior, Ms. Tina Harkness, I wish you peace.

Anonymous said...

Is the Woodsman the one with William H. Macy and Kyra Sedgwick? I saw that movie and puked my guts out, I am not kidding. As far as kicking him out of your head, you and you only are the one to decide when. I have a sispicion that may take a while, at least while your still struggling and married to the POS. But, one thing I do know is that at some point you will find yourself thinking less and less about him until he is simply a non entity, a ghost from the past that stays in the past. Best wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and Yours.
Tabatha (Friend in Folsom)

Anonymous said...

well here you are again giving him power over you and your family what is wrong with you .he is gone never to be seen again by you or your kids thank god for that.stop giving him power over you grow up and walk away it is over he is gone to hell if you knew what it is like to be in prison you would be so happy he is there i know because i have went to see a family member in 1 and it is hell for the ones there so be happy for gods sake let go do not let your mind ever think of what he has told you it was all shit and lies if he loved you he would not have hurt your kids broke your heart .stop looking back find a new man fall in love start living again stop it now.

Tripp Davenport said...

It sounds like he was already living in a prison of sorts, unable to get along with anyone, angry and anti-social. Can you take some solace in that?

I could recite the phrase "living well is the best revenge" but at the moment my trite little platitudes are ringing hollow in my own ears, so WTF do I know.

I hear time helps.

Who knows.