Monday, July 17, 2006

You Might As Well Be Walking On The Sun

Things to do when the city of Duluth is 352 degrees hotter than the face of the sun

Go swimming off Wisconsin Point-walk slowly out into the water acclimatizing to the frigid water temperature. After ½ hour, you will be submerged to your neck but by this time your bottom half will be suffering from hypothermia and your top half will be suffering from heat stroke. Your belly button will be extremely contented.

Go swimming off Park Point-oops! You got bridged! You are now trapped in your car which has sketchy air conditioning and your children are dehydrating before your eyes. By the time that family of tourists wanders past your car taking photos of every last thing, your car appears empty, except for the pinkish red raisins in the back seat. You have abandoned your children to the elements in a heat induced dementia. The police pull your naked body out of the ice cream case at Amazing Grace.

Run from room to room in your house looking for a breeze. It is akin to the search for a needle in a haystack. A very big, picky, uncomfortable haystack.

Hold a mirror under the cat’s nose…she hasn’t moved for thirteen hours.

Listen to everyone bitching about the heat at Walgreens and when the old lady behind you pipes up with “Well, I’m from Arizona and we get this 6 months a year…” grab the waist band of her depends and pull them up to her earlobes while screaming “Hey Bitch! I’ll bet your house in Arizona has air conditioning!!!!”

Take two large pieces of duct tape. Start by placing the tape right below your nipples, bring the tape up over your shoulders so that your breasts are now even with your earlobes…ahhh, air circulation!

Put on your swimsuit. Look in the mirror. Put your snow suit over it.

Stand at the corner and flip off every Hummer and SUV that passes by.

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