Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Jesus is Coming, Look Busy!

Things to do to keep yourself occupied when you realize that you should have taken that fast paced job as “Paint Drying Supervisor” in lieu of your current employment…

1. Grow your nails really long. Sink them into your eyeballs like the last olive at the bottom of the jar. Pull your eye out to see if the optical nerve has any elasticity. When you discover that it doesn’t, leave work to go to the E.R. Tomorrow, call in blind.

2. Every 15 minutes, leave your desk and go to a different restroom in your high rise office building. Rate the restrooms for cleanliness, odor, décor, and toilet paper supply. Spend all afternoon typing up your report, complete with Power Point presentation and spreadsheet. When co-workers stop by to chat, send them away with a frustrated wave as you scowl at your computer screen. Complete your report, bind it, and leave three copies in each restroom.

3. Walk repeatedly past the office six floors below your floor. Make sure to peek into their window and get a good look at the receptionist. Take the rest of the day off so you can go to the library and research the difference between Hobbits and dwarves.

4. Walk through the skywalk system dropping a piece of carmel corn every two yards. See how many people start to follow you. Are any of them over the age of two?

5. Stand out front of your building talking on your imaginary cell phone and smoking your imaginary cigarette. Get into a heated argument and throw your imaginary cell phone in the trash. See how many people start digging through the trash when you walk away.

6. Take all the colored hanging folders in your office and lay them out on the floor to create a “magic eye” photo of your summer vacation when viewed through the window from the 20th floor of the building next door.

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