Factors that may inhibit my future political campaigns

• My seeming inability to refrain from the phrase “Are you smoking crack?” when confronted by absurd statements from both cronies and opponents.
• My referral to politicians enamored by pork projects as “crack whores”
• My obsession with the word “crack”
• My use of the word “cronies”.
• My belief that I have been a victim of “the man” but when pressed, cannot produce said man, nor can I supply his most recent whereabouts.
• My addiction to chewing cheap bubblegum which, when posing for the mandatory p.r shoot, will reveal my teeth and lips to be a stunning shade of blue.
• My belief that ignorance can be educated but stupidity is steadfastly recalcitrant.
• My insistence upon frisking all contributors to my campaign for hidden wires and ulterior motives.
• My refusal to refrain from classifying soccer moms as self absorbed navel gazing sots.
• My refusal to recognize the infallibility of the pope.
• My refusal to recognize the infallibility of the president/prime minister/monarch/dictator/or any adult in charge.
• My refusal to recognize the infallibility of myself.
• My inability to eliminate profanity from my press conferences.
• My undiagnosed dyslexia which led to the unfortunate incident of kissing hands and shaking babies.
• My belief that not all babies are adorable, especially after aforementioned incident.
• My belief that Darwinian principals are unfolding in front of us on a daily basis and sometimes not fast enough for my liking
• My belief that the inner core of the earth is filled with goblins.
• My belief that said goblins can escape at precisely 12:04 a.m through the only outlet from the inner core of the earth, which happens to be my bedroom closet door when left open.
• My belief that when confronted by a smoker that believes it is their right to exhale their smoke in my face in a non smoking area, that I also possess the right to open one of my major arteries and hemorrhage my life juice into all of their exposed orifices and skin breaks. It was due to this belief that I began purposefully exposing myself to blood bourne pathogens. Rapuccini’s daughter was always a favorite of mine.
• My inability to talk out of both sides of my mouth simultaneously.
• My refusal to give a shit what the opinion of the Duluth Chamber of Commerce is.
• My refusal to believe that it is productive to counteract the blather from the right with the blather from the left.
• My insistence on wandering the middle way with Buddha and Diogenes.
• My realization that those who pause in the middle of the road are often run over.
• My refusal to believe that the current governor of the state of MN did not “raise taxes” when every other aspect of my life has become more expensive due to the fact that the city of Duluth didn’t have any frickin’ money.
• My belief that well known closeted right wing perverts should not be placed in charge of protecting children…and those that have experience in Arabian horses should not be put in charge of FEMA…and those that have experience in running a state lottery should not be considered for the supreme court…and former coke addicts/alcoholics with a perennial losing track record, should not be put in charge of anything.
• My insistence on testing the Patriot Act by checking out books by Michael Moore and “Knitting for Anarchists” all in the same visit.
• My belief that bulleted lists should be illegal.