It’s time for the employees in my cubicle’s neighborhood to set their goals for 2007. These are goals that will be presented to those that are both “Large” and “In-Charge”. They will determine the future 356 days of the cubicle-grazer’s world. They will also determine possible raises, potentials for transcendence, and just how odiferous each and every one’s fecal eminences are. My goals for work are as follows:
1. To cease and desist from storing dead rats in the company refrigerator. (We work in an old building and I like to take treats home to my cat.)
2. I promise to have myself checked for Tourette’s syndrome but in the mean time, I may continue to swear loudly and at unexpected intervals. I’m working on it Damnit!
3. I will take more business seminars. Perhaps I will present my latest request at the next staff meeting, after all, I’m just dying to go to “Dealing with difficult co-workers”.
4. I will refrain from high-fiving the chairman of the board after the board meeting.
5. I will not refer to the co-workers that leave their food and clutter everywhere as a “pack of drunken monkeys”.
6. I will cease to show up to work in nothing but a thong and tube top. Brittany Spears doesn’t work here… wait, she also doesn’t wear a thong…
7. In lieu of actually having rainbows coming out of my ass, which seems to be what is expected, I will just wear a Care Bear T-shirt. Of course MY Care Bear T-Shirt has a picture of a Care Bear holding an M-16, wearing a Che T-Shirt, and smoking an unfiltered cigerette. I'm talking Intensive Care Bear.