These are my 2007 goals for work

It’s time for the employees in my cubicle’s neighborhood to set their goals for 2007. These are goals that will be presented to those that are both “Large” and “In-Charge”. They will determine the future 356 days of the cubicle-grazer’s world. They will also determine possible raises, potentials for transcendence, and just how odiferous each and every one’s fecal eminences are. My goals for work are as follows:

1. To cease and desist from storing dead rats in the company refrigerator. (We work in an old building and I like to take treats home to my cat.)
2. I promise to have myself checked for Tourette’s syndrome but in the mean time, I may continue to swear loudly and at unexpected intervals. I’m working on it Damnit!
3. I will take more business seminars. Perhaps I will present my latest request at the next staff meeting, after all, I’m just dying to go to “Dealing with difficult co-workers”.
4. I will refrain from high-fiving the chairman of the board after the board meeting.
5. I will not refer to the co-workers that leave their food and clutter everywhere as a “pack of drunken monkeys”.
6. I will cease to show up to work in nothing but a thong and tube top. Brittany Spears doesn’t work here… wait, she also doesn’t wear a thong…
7. In lieu of actually having rainbows coming out of my ass, which seems to be what is expected, I will just wear a Care Bear T-shirt. Of course MY Care Bear T-Shirt has a picture of a Care Bear holding an M-16, wearing a Che T-Shirt, and smoking an unfiltered cigerette. I'm talking Intensive Care Bear.