Sunday, October 21, 2007

Ya tea drinkin limey bastard!

Now, I spoke a couple posts ago about my love of all things lattee. So, today I feel the need to address the lattee's older, slower, slightly paunchy and balding, brother. I speak of the regular old morning cuppa.

Now, there is, quite possibly something in the coffee roasting process that I don't understand (there is, in all actuality, everything in the coffee roasting process that I don't understand). But I went into the store yesterday to buy some coffee and I did a bad thing. I started to read the descriptions of the coffee beans. It was like reading the pretentious drivel from a wine tasting party AND I BOUGHT INTO IT.

I must admit, I get into my ruts like every other brainless red blooded American and I get the same "whatever" whenever I can until I find myself stopping on the doorstep of said retail establishment and saying to myself, fist raised in the air a la Gone With The Wind

"I'll never drink Sumatran coffee aaagain!!!"

And I start to read the descriptions and I look at the beans and I know in the black wretched fist that is my heart that if the beans aren't dark and oiley looking, I won't like the taste.

But it's called "Woods and Water" my inner child whispers, kicking the dirt with her scuffed sneaker, "Can't we at least try it?"

So, my version of try it involves buying a whole bag. Because I am, you know, stupid.

And guess what? The beans are not dark and oiley looking and the stuff tastes like street sweepings steeped in dirty skivvies that you found in the woods. I don't understand how the lovely description of "a perfect blend of indonesian, hawaiian, central & south american coffees. these beans are slow roasted to a mild yet rich flavor. this coffee has a smooth taste and superb aroma. experience the wonderful flavor of the north woods" translates into "We really effed this batch of beans up. Enjoy!"

So, I tried to drink the vile stuff this morning. I took two sips and gave up. I obviously do not have the sophisticated palate needed for such a high class flavor experience.

So I dumped it out and am now drinking hot tea. And I'm feeling a bit nauseated. Is it the coffee? The tea? The combination?

Hopefully, it won't be like the tea my husband and I refer to as "Japanese Shit Tea". We were motioned into a tea shop in Osaka once by a lovely Japanese woman who spoke no English but wanted to give us some tea to drink. We drank it down, thanked her, left the shop, and within ten minutes we both had raging diarrhea.

Living in a tourist town, I often think that that is a hilarious way to deal with folks visiting your fair city. It gives them an intimate tour with all of the local public restrooms.

As for me, I think I need to go back to bed now.

1 comment:

Shelly said...

Uh...since when does indonesian, hawaiian, central & south american coffee have anything do to with "The North Woods"? Cuz now I'm confused...

I didn't think it tasted like street sweepings, though. I kinda like it. Have you tried Mountain Blueberry? That is the that stuff...