Sunday, January 20, 2008

What I Really Meant To Say

Unfortunately I have been rather well behaved in what I have been saying lately. After reading a recent post in which I dropped the f-bomb a few too many times for her taste,a friend of mine asked me if that was my favorite word. Well, it got me to thinking about what I say and to whom I say it.

This made me miss a few golden opportunities this last week because I did a horrible, horrible thing. I thought before I let it fly..

I found myself at the mall two days ago and there is an "artist" set up there who will draw your child in a five minute setting and then put your kid in a painting. Of course your child will be painted with angel wings and doe eyes, with an ethereal white light eminating from their ever so pure skin. Now, I'm no art expert but I know what I hate. And I hate this. Not only does it put your kid (and I don't care WHO your kid is) in a totally vomit inducing "work of art", but it is CREEPY. I actually started to reach for my digital camera because there is no way to fully convey how these paintings looked. I even considered telling the woman that I was considering getting a painting done just so I could take the picture and seem somewhat legit. But I couldn't fake it. And I started to open my mouth and broach the one thought that was incredibly obvious to me. Who was this woman's target audience? Pedophiles?

But I stopped, took a breath, and must have looked to the artist as if her works were giving me a religious epiphany.

And then there was my latest run-in with the Stoner Viking at Super One, the grocery store for the distinguished customer who has a home with four wheels and a car with none. Stoner Viking was bagging my groceries and a guy of similar age (twenty something) was cashiering. Not once during the entire transaction did either one of them acknowledge me. They never stopped talking about level 28 of some video game. "You go to the left when you get to that point and then you hit the up button.." or some such shit. I wanted to break in and say "Did you know that if you hit the up and down button simultaneously right at that point, everyone's clothing dissolves and the rest of the game gets totally pornographic."

But once again, I didn't.

And it has come to my attention that I am responsibly profane. There are those that swear because they have a limited vocabulary and by swearing, they feel important. They relish swearing in front of little old ladies and small children.

I am profane for health reasons. I am a smart ass in order to prevent strokes, heart attacks and aneurysms. In other words, I swear because I care.

If I didn't have the ability to watch my daughter walk outside in 20 below weather without her coat and holler out the door to tell her to get her damn coat on, a vessel in my brain would explode.

So, after a little contemplation on the effluvia that eminates from my mouth, I am compelled to conclude just one thing.

Fuck it.


Shelly said...

I watched Lewis Black last night--he was invited to speak at the White House Press Corps dinner, or some such thing, but, after he (very reluctantly) accepted the invitation, was advised that he could not swear during his act.

He declared that he uses language in a certain way to keep him from wanting to take after certain people with a shovel (or some other, similar garden tool--can't remember exactly), and that is how I feel as well.

If I didn't cuss, I'd have killed someone by now...I do it not only for my own health, but also the health of others. A person needs to vent, to bitch, to scream about their crappy day, or a stupid person that they had to endure, and also to have a safe place to do ALL of those things.

I'm perfectly capable of speaking and writing without swearing or being a smart-ass. When the situation clearly calls for it, hold it in would be bad for your health!

Nutty Knitter said...

I try not to swear because I have a five year-old son and I don't want the phone call saying, "Your child said $%!@ and told me you say it all the time."

I also TEACH kindergarten, and while I often want to scream profanities (I'm having "that" kind of year) I can not for reasons stated above, just put me in the role of the teacher and the parent calling me.

I will say this, I think what you say on a regular basis. It's the people that DON'T swear who wind up on the news...