Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Assvice and the third boob

Believe it or not, I am a grown-up woman.

I speak in terms of chronological, gynecological, and psychological.

So why is it, as I navigate the world of mysterious connective tissue disorders, are there so many people that suddenly think I am both a child, an idiot.

I am so very tired and outrage takes energy and I don’t have the energy. So I am forced to me merely miffed and peeved.

There is an art to giving advice. Perhaps starting with a query would help…i.e, “Have you ever tried _______?” or “Have you heard about________?”

Or perhaps a story…”My sister had a similar set of symptoms and she has_____”. Although for as wide ranging as my symptoms are, I think my backseat physicians have diagnosed me with every disease under the sun.

But when I have been suffering with migraine headaches for 28 years and I take medication every single day so I don’t get them, having someone tell me “You need to try some Imitrex!” with all the bluff and grandeur of Moses coming down off the mountain top with the ten commandments, I must admit to being annoyed. “Gee,” I told her “I’ve taken it twice so far today. Got any other bright ideas?” Perhaps that wasn’t the most diplomatic answer, but when you’re expecting diplomacy from a person with a migraine, I suggest that you’ll find it faster if you’re expecting it from someone, say, like our current president?

And yes, I am doing the whole gluten free thing. And if I have one more person say “Yeah, and I’ll bet you’re feeling SO much better now, right?” Yeah, a little observation…never invite a holy rolling gluten free diva over to you’re house for a big party. I’ve discovered that there are a few out there that preach it like your immortal soul depends on it. Guess what sweet cheeks? I feel about 10% better. Yes, I will grant you that 10%. Am I saved? Am I free? Is my immortal soul in the hands of the almighty?

I think not.

And if I have to hear about your lactose intolerance and the benefits of drinking pureed bull balls, I will scream. We all want to be viewed as being an individual in this world, but those that want to make themselves stand out by talking incessantly about their high maintenance dietary concerns just need to SHUT UP!

Now, I am dealing with quite an annoying failure of my connective tissues in certain areas of my body. Areas that aren’t too important, just like my ribcage. Yes, my ribs are coming loose from their cartilaginous moorings. Suddenly, I am confronted by ribs that are poking out at odd angles and let me tell you, recreational breathing isn’t a very fun sport.

So, as I told my chiropractor, I am developing a third boob. It might be a wayward rib, but it is quickly developing into a B cup. Now, I sit with baited breath as I wait for all the people out there to tell me what they did when they developed THEIR third boob.

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