A Big Fat Annoyance

There is a woman I know who is perhaps the craziest bat shit insane person out on the streets, pretending to be a normal member of society. I believe I have alluded to her before but there are times when I have to sit back and simply marvel at her level of fuck-upedness.

As soon as she meets you, she is asking inappropriate questions, prying into your life, and trying to figure out where your weak spots are. Once she has that figured out, she continually strikes, often asking the same question over and over and over, barely taking a breath, until you are forced to answer, walk away, or pull out a shot gun. In all reality, I'm amazed that someone hasn't done the later already.

An example of her torment? Pulling out her boobs in a public place after having a boob job to show to an aquaintence who had just had a mastectomy. We're talking high class here.

So recently, she had gastric band surgery. And a couple days ago, I wore a new pair of pants that are actually the size that I need, as opposed to the pants that are three sizes too big (Forty two pounds now lost-thank you very much!) that I wear with my husband's belt. (I'm always free to give fashion advice...just give me a ring!)

Well, leading up to her surgery, she has done nothing but bitch and moan about how little she was allowed to eat! She was STARVING! Those kids in Africa had NOTHING on her SUFFERING! All this time I kept quiet and didn't tell her that even though she was bitching, I was still eating 200 calories a day less than her. I tell this woman NOTHING!

So, she asks me if I've lost weight and one of my very supportive friends pipes up and says "Yeah! She's lost over forty pounds!"

And so it starts.

I always carry fruit in my purse and whenever she sees me eating, she's asking me repeatedly, "Bet you don't want that...bet you don't want that,,,bet you want something sweet...bet you want some chocolate..." She also stands close to me, phones people on her cell phone, and talks loudly to them about how she knows this person who has lost over forty pounds but that they probably have bulemia..."

The one thing that thankfully, I knew to do when I first met this woman, was not to engage. It drives her NUTS! So, no matter how much I want to wrap my scrawny arms around her neck and give a sharp twist, I just sit at my computer.

I am the Cheshire Cat. I will smile blithly until you choke on your own venom.

But I have to admit, after seeing The Dark Knight three times and telling my daughter that I would cosplay The Joker if she cosplayed Batman, I really want to show this woman the pencil trick.