Saturday, January 24, 2009

Flipping Off The Boogey Man

A few days ago I found out where my soon-to-be-ex-husband is holed up.

Since admitting to being a pedophile, he dropped off the radar. He's of course, in touch with his lawyer and according to his sister, he was somewhere in Duluth.

This has been the hardest thing of all to swallow. His freedom.

After speaking to a County victim's advocate on Friday and learning that this whole legal process may take up to eight months to resolve (and then there is always the outside chance that his lawyer will talk him into bringing it to trial so that he can try to discredit the victim), all the while he will be free and on the streets, I sincerely almost lost my shit.

I'm a big believer in the concept that you can indeed eat an elephant. All you need to do is take small bites and chew slowly. But it's the horrible angst and frustration that have been weighing me down for the last month that really puts my belief to the test. Waking up every morning at 2 am in a cold sweat, trembling from head to toe, nauseated and shaking X 8 more months.

Yeah, not handling it all so well in the wee hours of the morning.

So I wondered what I should do with the knowledge that I knew where he was. I have played out elaborate fantasies in my head all filled with vengeance and violence. As a friend of mine warned me "Before you go to that dark, dark me."

It's a good thing that money is tight and guns are expensive...

But then I come to my senses. I've spent seventeen shitty years married to a loser. I'll be damned if I'm wasting anymore years because of him.

But still, I needed to know where he was. I needed to do an unarmed "drive-by". And so I drove to the outskirts of Duluth and found the efficiency apartments for losers. Nestled in the woods. All snowy and cold.

I wondered how this would make me feel. I wondered what I would do if I saw his car. I wondered what I would do if I saw him.

Instead, as I stood there, I realized that I needed to divide this elephant. There are two distinct and awful things going on and I've been melding them together and trying to shove them both down my throat at once. Now that I know where he is, my mind is more settled. I don't have to worry about running into him every time I go out and my career as a stalker can come to an end.

My petition for divorce has a deadline of February 7th. That is my first chunk of elephant. If he forces the divorce into court, we get to talk to the judge about his cheating and his pedophilia.

I'm guessing that after this disclosure, my-soon-to-be-ex won't be able to get very far on his feigned and oft-used martyrdom.

After that, we'll get our name changed.

And then, I've decided, we'll get our family picture taken. We will then put that photo on an invite, and we will have a party. A "Meet The New Family" party. A gathering for all the wonderful people that have helped us out so much since the proverbial shit hit the fan.

Then, and only then, will I once again turn to the elephant and take the next bite.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Elephants live a long time. I am a believer in no time is wasted and everything happens for a reason (yeah, I know... blah, blah blah)

You have two well loved children from this relationship and have had the opportunity to live in innocence until recently. Yes?

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Negative energies make us weak. Maybe channeling the anger into boxing lessons (yes, there is at least one boxing club in town), jujitsu, or something else that is physical and focused may help you sleep through the night. Cheaper than guns and bullets, too.

Better to expend the energy of anger on proactive efforts to strengthen family and self for the future to come than wasting any more of your energy or time on someone who has already drained you of enough time and energy.

And remember that lawyers can take what you've written in your blog and twist it until you are the "stalker and perpetrator of evil" against Mr. Pedophile. So better to exercise your righteous and justified rage in other ways. Don't let him be the anchor around the neck of your life. As horrid as this is, remember that Life itself has ways of dealing with people at the low level of your ex. And Life is too short to spend even one more minute cruising low level motels for his car or daily thoughts at all about him.