Rage

What do you do with the rage?

I've talked to many friends and professionals and they all tell me the same thing. You can't let it eat you up. It's a waste of your time and energy. Be patient and let the legal system take it's course. Don't talk like a crazy person or you'll wind up in jail instead of him.

While all of these things are true, there are days when it seems like, unless you've been there, unless you've held the police report in your hands and read what your husband did to your child, you just are totally clueless.

"I hear you have a cancerous tumor, you know, that really isn't a good idea. You really shouldn't do that."

My rage is not optional.

I'm going to the arraignment on Tuesday. I will be nothing but a witness to the process. I will also have two friends to come with me to grab the back of my coat should I begin to make any lunging movements. Perhaps they'll need to put me in a shock collar.

But I have been wondering lately how we will work the divorce hearing. I told my lawyer that I couldn't handle being in the same room with STBX. I told her that my only comforting fantasy is where I put a bullet in his head. I told her that civility, in this instance, will not exist. I will not sit in the same room and act as if I don't want to tear him limb from limb.

Especially when he wants to give a sob story of how I owe him money.

My rage percolates through everything I do. Never try to frost a Valentine's Day cake when the frosting won't cooperate and your hands won't stop shaking because of the images running through your head. The cake ended up decorating the inside of the trash can after I ripped it to shreds with my hands. A perfect Valentine's Day metaphor.

It's a good thing that he has his sister who still loves him. Since he confessed to her, if he brings this whole nightmare to a trial, her ass is going to be on the witness stand as well. Along with his girlfriend whom he also confessed to. The Pedophile Possee, as I call them. My rage will make sure that his support system is put under the spotlight as well.

I have to hold my hands out in front of me, gripping one in the other, to stop their shaking. They long to take their pound of flesh.

My rage is not optional.