Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Bear Went Over The Mountain

Today was another day of group therapy.

Before I started group, I was told that it might make things worse. It might make the flashbacks more frequent. It might make me relive it all again.

I was at the precipice when I started group. I was all hatred and homicide. My past and my present were ganging up on me.

That was a few weeks ago. I've been choosing to laugh instead of cry. Often I pause and feel every molecule in my being. I am heavy with the weight of it all.

It's a struggle against hate. It's a struggle against unbearable sadness. It's a struggle against curling in the fetal position and sobbing.

I have flashbacks to things I only remember with my skin. I am grounded in the present yet I am a child, hiding in a closet. I can stand in my kitchen and feel the fingers grasping my throat thirty years ago. Ten minutes later, I am a ghost in the recent past, reliving what I read on the police report. I am watching in horror as it all unfolds in front of me, powerless to prevent it.

It's like a burn. People are telling me I have to scrub the scabs off in order to heal. I am so very tired and this journey is so very long.

After a day that included not only group but a pap and a mammogram, I remember what it is like to have no ownership over my body. I remember opening the door to madness when I was nineteen and stepping through. I have so much more to lose this time. I have to hold on.

On days like this, when every moment seems like a chant against self destruction, I have to tell myself what would happen if I take the easy way out. If I commit an act of violence, I would be giving this horrible loser more years of my life. If I choose not to wake up tomorrow, he wins.

There are times when you have to look at the world in a grain of sand. Nothing else matters right now except for the fact that I can't let this bastard win.

But I am so tired and this mountain is so steep.


Anonymous said...

Living well is the best revenge.

STBX is already out of the game.
He has been forced into the public view. He has lost his comfortable cover and protections of home, marriage, and (such as it was) family. He has been exposed. And much like a cockroach, he cannot stand the light.

No one can predict the future for the STBX and his fuck puppet mistress, but I would predict that if they are watching your blog several times a day, they are already very lost and without a clue.

What you are doing now is recovering, waking from a nightmare. There is no easy way out as each choice has its' own outcome, whether or not you are present in your physical form. It is not, after all, your body that has been gravely wounded.

Death will inevitably claim everyone in due time and to focus on death as a release from climbing the mountain before you is never a solution or an option.

Better to live and choose to be well and release long held secrets into the light for an up close and personal exam. Take care of the inside spaces as well as the outside vehicle.

It is interesting that your house reconstruction is following the path of your reconstruction. Had the plaster not been removed from the walls to discover the burned studs and the lone 2x4 holding the stairs, no one would have known otherwise - until something major like collapsing stairs or walls occurred (for example).

Being the agent for change is never easy. Climbing the mountain will make you stronger. You choosing to climb the mountain will also make the mountain easier for your daughter to climb, if for no other reason than she watched you go first. And she knew then it was possible.

Bad Cat! said...

I stumbled on your blog earlier today, and have been reading through your past posts on this cold and windy afternoon.
I wanted to let you know that you are an incredibly strong woman, to protect your kids, get over your shitbox ex and coerce your house into standing upright.
Break-ups are hard on anyone, and given all the extra you're going through, you seem to be coping beautifully.
Though my situation isn't nearly as tough as the hand you've been dealt, I can sympathize with what you write. My divorce just got through about a month ago. My ex too had his "own reality" where he was all-knowing and in control of everything. It was frustrating at the time, but almost hilarious after the fact (who would nails a tarp on the roof to stop that leak?!?). I'm thousands in debt, I foreclosed on our house, my credit rating is in the negatives, but I am finally free.
I wish you well in your journey to freedom. By your words, I know that you and your kids are strong. You will survive this ordeal. My thoughts are with you.