Monday, March 23, 2009

Grab Your Fiddle!

I think Nero must have gotten to this point.

Everyone talks about how Nero fiddled while Rome burned but there aren't any quick, memorable quotes about Nero before Rome burned.

Perhaps Nero found out his significant other was a sexual deviant? And back in those days, I'm guessing that would be something involving a lot of olive oil and many, many barnyard animals.

Or perhaps Nero found out his significant other was a cheater?

Or perhaps Nero was just trying to get some home repairs done and the next thing you know, Rome was in flames. I'm thinking the home repairs were the last straw.

If you can't fix it, BURN IT!

Yes, I found evidence that my house burned at one point in its history. Was it when the car came crashing through the exterior wall? Did it burst into flame?

Or perhaps, like Nero, a former home owner got to a certain point in the remodel process and muttered something like "It would be a lot easier if there was an 'accident' and this house went up in flames."

That's what I'm thinking.

And while the flames consumed the dining room, the former home owner snapped. They ran out onto the front lawn and began barking at the moon. They stripped naked and rubbed feces into their hair. They laughed hysterically as those charming young men in their clean white coats came to take them away.

It's just a theory of mine. A very strong theory.

If nothing else comes of this mess, I feel I have a commiseration buddy. The guy doing the repairs is at about the same point in his life as I am. He's dealing with a spouse that has ripped their family apart with infidelity. Thankfully, there wasn't any pedophilia in his story.

But I believe we have taken to trying to write a country western song together. We've been sharing our stories and occasionally, we have to start laughing at how absolutely awful it all is. I keep telling him that every day is a choice whether we will laugh or cry and right now, we have to keep laughing.

It's kind of a joke as to who has the saddest story for the day. I found out yesterday that when he was here a few days ago and we exchanged sad stories, he left at the end of the day and promptly ran over my neighbor's dog with his truck. The neighbor was out walking the dog using a heavy chain that is normally used to tie an animal up outside with. As our repair guy was driving away, the dog lunged out between two parked cars and into the road. Not only did the dog get hit but the heavy chain wrapped around the truck axle and did $250 worth of damage. Thankfully, the owner didn't have the chain wrapped around his hand because if he did, his hand would have been ripped off too.

So, the dog died, the truck was damaged, and the repair guy was shell shocked.

I think he won the contest that day.

And when he was relating the story to me, he was staring at the burned and cracked inner studs of my wall and shaking his head.

"Your neighborhood," he assured me, "is a black hole."

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