Thursday, March 12, 2009

Talking to Myself

It makes no sense to mourn what you never had.

That whole "inner child" thing? Sometimes your conscious mind just needs to grab that kid by the shoulders and giver her a shake.

Expending the energy on wishing that things had happened differently gets you nowhere.

See? I know these things.

I can spout them off and tell you that yes, I realize these things are true.

But it's two in the morning, and I'm wide awake.

I feel so horribly alone.

I listen to my kids sleeping in the rooms across the hall and my heart breaks with how much I love them, how much our lives have been torn apart, and how much pain one person can bring to a family.

The cats and dogs snuggle closer to me. They don't understand the words. They don't understand the tears. They just know that something is wrong.

Wishing for a better past is useless, I explain to the dogs. They should really stop doing it. Look forward to a better future full of love and positive doggie things.

And bring me along for the ride while you're at it. When it's two in the morning, I need a friend.


Anonymous said...

But isn't it better to mourn than shove it all into the closet of denial?

To recognize that which "should have been" but wasn't as a norm for meeting standard developmental benchmarks along the way to growing into adulthood is different than the pain of grieving.

Then moving on, moving forward to meet the unmet needs and setting new benchmarks for pure joy and happiness. Recognizing your power to create your future, create new memories that will gradually be untainted by nightmares pushing through the cracks of the boards covering the black hole of your memory closet.

Animals don't lie. Love is immeasurable. Unprovable. Yet as vital to life as sunlight to a tree.

Seeds must be broken before they can begin to grow. The oak was once upon a time long ago a tiny acorn. And some seeds spend a long time in darkness waiting for the right time to start growing...

There is always hope. You are never really alone, even when you are the only person in the room.

Questions? Ask the cat...

Anonymous said...

For gifts in a tasteful way... : )