Monday, April 27, 2009

Oh Look! Another Dog Post! How Unique!

I am grateful for the fact that I walk the dogs at the ass crack of dawn. This way, not very many neighbors are privy to the fact that we are all, indeed, mentally retarded.

(If the term mentally retarded offends you, might I suggest you grow a pair? "Mentally challenged" does not begin to describe anything but what life does to me on a daily bases.)

One dog always, or should I say ALWAYS, takes a poo and then stands staunchly in place afterwards and kicks one back leg and then the other like a bull. He does his best to dig up any dirt or leaves or sticks or, wait for it...wait for it...fresh poop to fling into the air with his back feet. Standing behind the dog after he poops? Yeah, I'm sure a little Tide will get that shit stain out of the knees of your work pants but you might want to hurry home and get changed because you were supposed to be at work five minutes ago.

The other dog? Now that spring has sprung, he will roll in EVERYTHING. Not just rolling on his back but rolling in 360 degree circles so that the leash is wrapped around his neck and his eyes are bugging out by the time I untangle the mess. Of course, everything is now covered in whatever he was rolling in. Newsflash: Dogs never roll in cotton candy!

Now, picture these two things happening simultaneously.

That's why the cover of darkness is a good thing. The neighbors can move their curtains aside, cluck their tongues and say to each other, "That lady next door? Do you know what her husband was? And worst of all, she used a nut pick and a hammer to lobotomize her dogs."

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