Saturday, April 04, 2009

Take Two


That's what today has been.

I talked to my therapist (individual, not group), on Friday morning and she headed me in the right direction. I have some meds from when I saw my family doc back in January for anxiety and I've been using them a little more than previously. I'm sincerely not interested in anti-depressants at this point because I'm not interested in being a zombie. That's what they do for me and I hate it.

So today was spent in the gym, exercising the demons a little more holistically. A nice long sauna after wards was really relaxing as well.

I then went to Home Depot for a gardening presentation that didn't really tell me anything that I didn't already know but when I entered my name into a drawing, I ended up winning a gigantic peace lily. I'm going to believe that I won because I entered in my "new" name. Had I entered in my stbx's last name, not only would I not have won, I probably would have been hit by a truck in the parking lot.

Yeah, I know...but we all gotta tell ourselves stories to get through the day, right?

I also crawled out of the hole I obviously exist in and went to Earth Exchange over in Superior. Every time I've been by there they have been closed so today was my first time to actually go inside. HOLY COW! It's about damn time this area got a shop like this! Since I'm having a real problem finding food very interesting lately, I sort of keep losing weight even though I'm not trying anymore so I was totally pumped to find two pairs of jeans for a buck a piece.

I then tried to bulk up on Starbucks Coffee Cake and met Mary for a quick book sale. Currently, my son is making manicotti from scratch to go along with some sourdough bread I made this afternoon.

After the criminal case is over, I'll have to share some of the reasons why I took this tentative step off the deep end. Thankfully, I'm treading water for now.


Rebecca Hartong said...

I'm very glad to hear that you're taking steps to feel better. Very glad! And congratulations on winning the peace lily! Maybe it's a sign of some sort, eh?

One of the problems with general practitioners prescribing anti-depressants is that they typically don't know enough about all the options available. They know about a few drugs that work "pretty well" for most people and that's it. If someone feels like a zombie, a family doc usually won't know about other drugs that WON'T make the person feel like a zombie.

I hope you'll keep that in mind if you start to feel VERY bad -- bad like maybe you want to kill yourself, bad like maybe you're even starting to make a plan. A decent psychiatrist knows about drugs that will take away those very bad feelings without making you feel like a zombie. They can help you feel... just like yourself.

Okay. End of that lecture.

I've been thinking about this whole criminal trial and I've got a terrible idea of what could happen. I really hope I'm wrong, but... Here's how it could come down. You've probably considered all this, but just in case:

He pleads innocent. He says, "It's true, your honor, that I wasn't a very good husband. I did get involved with another woman. My wife, though, in her complete crazy anger about my infidelity, made up this entire thing about me molesting my daughter. JUST LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF SHE WROTE ON HER WEB SITE. SHE'S CLEARLY COMPLETELY NUTS." And the judge says, "But your daughter says it happened too. How do you explain that?" And the shitbox says, "She's crazy just like her mother. It never happened. They're just trying to get back at me."

So... I'm not trying to tell you want to do. Just.. you know he and "what's-her-name" read your blog. Don't think they haven't thought of this as a possible defense. A person who would mess with his own daughter certainly wouldn't hesitate to use her mother's understandable distress against her. He wouldn't hesitate for a single minute. Just be aware -- and be careful.

Debbie said...

FYI-I am seeing a very capable therapist who doesn't think I need anti-depressants.

And the 99.99% of what I don't say here about the criminal case will not allow him to refute the facts at this point. That might not make sense when you don't know the whole story but I'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

WATSONVILLE -- The black-and-white photos of victims of child sexual abuse put faces on the problem, and their stories drove the point home during the third annual walk to Stop the Silence on Saturday.

In recognition of National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month, the Survivors Healing Center in collaboration with Bikers Against Child Abuse, Si Se Puede, Santa Cruz Residential Recovery and the Commission for the Prevention of Violence Against Women organized the walk to take aim at the stigma of child sexual abuse.

"It's a difficult topic to get people to talk about because people tend to feel shame," said Maria Rodriguez-Castillo, walk organizer and Survivors Healing Center board of directors member. "The goal here is to increase awareness and to continue to increase awareness."

Nearly 200 participants crowded the City Plaza, where information on how to prevent future violence and abuse was provided by several organizations.

Watsonville's Women's Crisis Support/Defensa de Mujeres Executive Director Laura Segura said there is a strong connection between domestic violence cases and child sexual abuse.
"Many child abuse victims are re-victimized when they grow up," Segura said. "Children who grow up in homes with domestic violence are eight times more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse within that family."

With April being Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month, as well as Sexual Assault Awareness month, Segura said the (to read entire article, copy/paste link at top)

Anonymous said...

My two bits are that current neuro-research has yet to prove that antidepressants cross the blood-brain barrier and effectively change the physiological process of "depression".

My experiences in the world at large prove (to me) that a lot of what is used to sedate people (TV, food, drugs, alcohol, legal pharmaceuticals, etc.) do not effect cure or healing. Just numbing, dulling, sheep continuing to move to the groove without breaking rank and causing change. It is much easier for a physician to order a drug than it is to listen deeply and fully to truly understand the patient's source of pain. It is more cost effective to put pen to paper than to take the time and effort to really listen. And every physician is different. Some of them should be restricted to working exclusively with lab rats instead of human beings and others continually defy the new conventions and break out to forge new ground.

If "Deb" were truly in need of emergency support, I do believe she would be unable to write so cohesively and clearly. Or write at all. But write she does.

There is something to be said about living through the revelations of late while the daily living needs to incorporate the new changes of single parenthood, cleaning out one's proverbial closet, and taking on the stbx in the conventional manner of staid laws and courts. It shows great restraint that one does not choose to actively pursue other methods of personal justice. It shows great discipline to continue to discharge the energy through positive means.

I have read other similar blogs of similar subject matter in which the writings reflect the (justified) paranoia of the victim/writer as they struggle to regain their footing and move on. Often the blog then disappears from the web as they implode or hide in fear or, perhaps, self-destruct in other ways.

But this blog has strength and tenacity, as well as humor and hope. And great writing. You could be heading down this path for a reason bigger than you know. To show other victims that it can be survived. To lead by example. Take heart in that many are touched by your writing and have hope that you and your family will transition whole and remain intact and strong and still retain the ability to love.

Just my two bits.

Mary said...

Isn't Earth Exchange awesome? I love what they've done with the place, and I always find the most random stuff up in their housewares favorite find: a commemorative plate featuring Daddy Warbucks from Annie.

And thanks for the books, too! I'm full of crafty energy lately, and I think those will help me focus that into some actual productivity... :-)