Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My Bladder Says "Happy Birthday!"

If you can have a baby at home, I'll bet there are a lot of other things that get unnecessarily farmed out to medical institutions that could be done just as easily on your own dining room table.

I've now reached the point in my urological history where I am allergic to all the drugs that are needed to treat me.

Oh, by the way, that culture came back positive, I do have another infection. The nurse called me and told me "Hey, wow, you really do have another infection!" as I'm curled up in a ball with tears running down my face. "Really??? Really??? Are ya sure???"

The only step left for me is to go to an infectious disease specialist. Do ya think that any of those folks prescribe drugs that are on the Target Pharmacy $4.00 list? Is it really worth my while to go for a $500 office visit and a $400 prescription when I have $1.25 in the bank and no food in the cupboards?

I believe the phrase for this situation is "Screwed, glued, and tattooed."

I told the nurse that I was going to wait on it. I would take cranberry capsules (can't do the juice), drink lots of water, and sacrifice a chicken to the Dark Lord.

But I've decided to go another route. I'm going to just replace my bladder and start over again. I'm going to go to the party store, get one of those shiny Mylar balloons that say something trite and I'm going to find the sharpest knife in the house. I've had four abdominal surgeries, can it really be so hard to cut on the dotted line?

Perhaps, instead of Mylar, I'll go with the balloons that you can shape into animals! I think having a bladder shaped like a wiener dog would be AMAZING! Better yet, one of the balloons from Disney Land shaped like Mickey's head!

I will, of course, need a little help in this endeavor. I know that people can cut off their own limbs when the situation demands it but the problem is, there is a certain knowledge of plumbing that I am lacking.

That's why I'm pulling out the yellow pages. I'm guessing that no matter how much a plumber costs, it will be less than a bladder replacement without insurance.

I hope they can sterilize their pipe wrench.

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