Friday, July 10, 2009

Too Much Honesty Makes The Eyes Bleed

I told my kids that they didn't have to worry about me hooking up with someone at this delicate juncture of our lives. Yes, I have gone out a few times with a friend who just happens to have the opposing teams equipment, but I know I have a lot of work to do on my own head before I get involved in a real relationship.

I've seen too many divorced women swinging from one rotten relationship to the next, searching for ....what? They keep getting hurt and they never stop long enough to put themselves on the proverbial shrinks couch and learn about themselves first.

But when I made some smart ass comment about being a MILF, my daughter gave me the look. "Yeah, all those Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter audio CD's piled up next to your bed make you a real prized catch. Maybe you could even get a Doctor Who night light to set the mood..."


But seriously? Kinda funny too.

She has a point.

I have two sources of literary entertainment on a daily basis. I read personal ads and I read obituaries. Really, they aren't that different. Both are trying to sell the reader on the merits of the person in question. It's just that one has the potential to have a future. Notice, I said potential...

The whole format of personal ads is screwed up. I can't sum up my wants and needs in 2000 words, let alone 20.

It would have to be something like this:

Soon to be single white female in search of something. This might be a relationship. This might be a friendship. If all the stars align, it might be both.

I have children. They are the most important thing in my life. You will not have seniority. You need to realize this. If you have a problem with it, take it to the Union President which would

I am not here to be your mother. I will not make your doctor appointments. I will not pick up your dirty underwear. I will not pick up your toenail clippings from the bathroom floor. (Well, I might do it because it is DES-GUST-TING and every time I see it, I will seeth with anger. Please use the garbage can damnit! God! I hate you already!)


I would love to go camping, canoeing and hiking with you. I would love to learn about new hobbies that you are interested in. Please know that I will ask questions and want to understand things, except if we are talking about NASCAR. If you like NASCAR please stop reading and return to your trailer now, there is nothing more for you to see.

I like to cook for people that I care about. I also like people to cook for me. Note: "Cooking for me" does not involve calling out for pizza.

I'd like someone to talk to but not in an onerous way. You don't have to be my "girlfriend", I have plenty of those. Just tell me your hopes, your dreams, your successes, your failures, how your day went, what you want for dinner, and what you want to do on the weekend.

In other words, let's act like we give a damn about each other. Hey, maybe we won't be acting! Maybe we really will care!

Know that I will never wrap my life around another individual, ever. I spent 17 years shrugging my shoulders and saying things like "Oh, I don't care where we live". You know where that got me? In the middle of fucking Oklahoma with no one to talk to but the neighbor's pig. I have a plan in my head regarding where I will live and what I will do. I will not equivocate anymore.

Note that I am not a creature of culture. I do not care about "important" people's lives. I do, however, have a little fantasy world in my head that involves Time Lords and certain fictitious characters. Know that the seperation between Time Lords and fictitious characters was intentional. When a little blue box lands on my front lawn and a good looking man steps out and asks if I want to go for a ride, you can bet our relationship will be over. It's been real but let's face it...your old beater Chevy ain't got nothing on this guy.

As much as I would like us to have mutual interests, I would also hope that we can do things seperately as well. I don't need you hanging off my 24/7. I will go to the yarn store and knit. Please feel free to have your own "thing". Unless it involves NASCAR. Or online gaming.

There will be no online gaming. Get over it.

Perhaps the most important thing to realize is that I have some rotten shit to get over. I'm working on it. I'm working hard on it. But it makes me not trust people. It makes me think, on a daily basis, that 99.9% of the human race is out to cut my throat. There are times when I will revert back to the self of the past 17 years. I will be the long tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs. Like I said, I'm working on it.

I do have some rather strong values. I value honesty. As anyone who has read this blog knows, I can be painfully honest. I don't play mind games and I don't go for vengeful bitchery. I do believe in justice though and I will beat my head against the wall until I get it or I pass out.

I value respect. Over the past year, I have learned one thing the hard way. I will give as much respect as I get. For sixteen years, I gave respect and got nothing in return. Guess what? It's not a healthy lifestyle.

I also value empathy. Not sympathy. Empathy. The ability of one human being to put themselves in another's shoes and learn from the experience. Sometimes, it's learning things that you don't want to learn.

Also note this: I am not a girly girl. I don't mind getting dirty. I don't cry alot. I don't get all mushy and weepy. It doesn't mean that you can't melt my heart with a little kindness. Flowers? Chocolate? Putting the fucking toilet seat down when you get done peeing? It's all good.

Yeah. So that would be me.

Now that I read this through I think I will invest in that Doctor Who night light. I think I'm going to be alone for quite some time...


JB aka JayBee said...

I like this. You are being honest and self-effacing while being witty and wise.

Marty said...

Yup. You sound like a great catch to me. I'm committed to my relationship, but if I wasn't I would love to get to know you better. You have a good vocabulary, you obviously know a LOT, and your sense of humor is killer.

You are a very compelling writer as well. You have a lot to say and you say it well.