Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Howdy Neighbors!

Tonight is supposed to be National Night Out.


In case you were wondering, I was the one walking through your neighborhood with the two Corgis. Yeah, you remember me, my dogs were the ones peeing on your immaculately kept lawn.

I live a few blocks away but my immediate neighborhood is not having a Night Out. We are having a Night In and we would thank you to keep the hell off our street. We are concerned that you will bring your perfectly manicured lawns and beautifully painted houses to our neighborhood and raise our property values.

So I decided to take the dogs on a good long walk and visit YOUR neighborhood.

If you're lucky, I'll bring DOWN your property taxes. It's a little service I like to offer to my privileged white neighbors.

The only thing that I may have misjudged is the effects of a jumbo margarita on my migraine medication. See, I woke up with a headache this morning and I took my last pill. By noon, my headache was coming back so I went to get more pills. (Did you know that my pills cost $16 a piece? I tried to have them only give me two but they refused. I told them I was going to call my good friend Barack and have him KICK THEIR ASS.)

Needless to say, after I topped off my Tuesday with a jumbo margarita and migraine medication I took a good long walk through your neighborhood with my two rude dogs.

It was probably a good thing that there was only one house in two blocks that actually had people sitting at the sidewalk. There were a couple of other people who were looking rather surreptitious as they walked outside and fidgeted with their wind chimes or trash cans. I greeted them a little over enthusiastically and they scuttled into their houses and pulled the curtains.

I think ya'll need to loosen up my friends.

I actually considered echolocation as I walked along the sidewalk just to add a little local color to the party. It's a little trick I thought up when I got lost in Green Bay a couple weeks ago. I got turned around and instead of freaking out, I told my son I was going to employ my super hero power of echolocation, just like a bat.

Of course, I'm not nearly as silent as a bat.

I basically just let out piercing shrieks as I drive around until I start laughing so hard I don't care if I'm lost.

I consider it a skill and I'm proud to demonstrate it if need be. You know, if you're lost in a strange city or just looking for where the party really is.

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