I have an appointment in late October to talk to a guidance counselor and sign up for my January classes. Right now I'm just consolidating my credits and getting my AA. It should take a couple semesters.
Then...I have a choice. Or should I say, many choices.
I've been going along with the assumption of getting a private sector job in a non human service profession. I'm tired of human services and being poor and working 60 hours a week and never having it be enough. I'm tired of feeling like the Dutch boy with his finger in the dam as I watch cracks form in a million different places. I'm tired of wearing my heart for the world to see and having it torn to shreds and calling it a job.
So, yeah. Having a job that involves inanimate widgets has its appeal.
But then there's my experiences over the past few months. And I realize that I am raw and the pain is so incredibly close to the surface that to make a decision at this exact point in life might not be smart but another part of me wants to do for others what was done for us. I want to be the person amidst the horrible experience that a victim can depend on. A person that can make the road a little less rocky.
If I were to go into criminology, I would be surrounded by criminals. If I were to go into the justice system, I would be surrounded by injustice. But if I were to go into child abuse victim advocacy I could be where I needed to be: standing behind and sometimes in front of those that need the most representation and assistance and so very often get it the least.
There is always a danger though. A danger in flying to close to the sun when your wings are held together by gossamer strands of wax. There is a danger of living in the pain everyday until one day, it swallows you. Pain is filled with hungry ghosts.
And you have to start all over again.
How many "agains" can one person have?