How Not To Pick Up Guys

A few days ago I enjoyed a flirtatious encounter with a guy and as I was recounting it to a friend, she was laughing at how happy it made me but then became deadly serious.

"Oh my god," she whispered. "You didn't tell him you know...anything about yourself... did you?"

Why yes, as a matter of fact, I've discovered that a really successful way of picking up guys is to tell them that you're not quite divorced yet from your husband who is serving hard time in prison for being a pedophile.

Yeah, stand back ladies, I'm like chum in the water and the sharks can't get enough of me.

I did stumble a bit as I was chatting away with this Very Gorgeous Guy. (This is a guy that I have noticed for YEARS and always thought that he was gorgeous but funny thing is, I actually think you shouldn't cheat when you're married.) I was talking about my kids and my pets and we were laughing and having a good time when he spied my hand with no wedding ring and said "You're talking about your kids but you haven't mentioned anyone else at home like....a husband?"

Keep in mind, this was before I signed the divorce papers.

Keep in mind, I am pathologically honest and don't like misleading people or playing head games.

Keep in mind that I am not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.

"Oh," I said with false bravado. "I lost him."

I guess that wasn't the socially acceptable thing to say because Very Gorgeous Guy suddenly looked all sad and serious.

"Oh I'm sorry," he put his hand on his heart. "Was it illness or an accident?"

"Ummmmm, neither. It's a rather long and complicated divorce..." my voice trailed off into tiny scribbles.

"Oh, well, sorry that you had to go through that," he managed to regain his footing eloquently.

"I'm not sorry!" I chirped psychotically. "It's fan-TAS-tic!"

Yeah, I'm guessing that, as I walked away he probably nudged his friend and pointed me out. "See that lady? She's going to be single for a looooooong time..."