Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Call Me "Crater Gut"

Aside from a futile trip to the law makin' office today, I also went in and saw a real life doctor about my guts.

I am soooo glad I went into the poor folks clinic rather than the regular clinic for all o' them nice people that have things like health insurance and money.

No actually, I am...

I was terrified to take GI symptoms into a clinic that has no concept that people ever have to make a choice between prescriptions and food. I can guarantee that I would have had three radiological exams scheduled and a $200 prescription.

Instead I got a very thorough exam, blood work, a diagnosis of a probable ulcer, and enough free samples to get me through the next two months. If I'm not seeing some improvement by Monday, THEN we'll schedule radiology.

Wow. Can you imagine if every doctor actually considered practical ways to diagnose instead of the shotgun scatter of a ton of tests and a $5,000 bill in an hour? Can you imagine all those people screaming about keeping the government out of their Medicare (Yeah, if that phrase doesn't make you LAUGH at it's stupidity, you need to drink this purple kool-aid right here. Yes, this one...drink it ALLLLLL GONE.) actually ALLOWING a doctor to do that? Yes, there is a time and a place for the scattershot approach. Recognizing when that is would be the next hot button issue.

"My health care is ALWAYS an emergency...fuck everyone else."

I can hear it now.


The next thing on the agenda, providing that my liver isn't rotting out (which I'm saying that it isn't because I can't afford a rotting liver and I look HORRIBLE in yellow) is to give this hole in my gut a name.

Off the top of my head, if I wanted to go with my inner bitch I'd have to call it Billy Jo Curtis. This would be a little bit of pedo combined with two little bits of lawyers.

Who is Billy Jo Curtis anyway?

Billy Jo Curtis will fuck your wife.

Billy Jo Curtis has a body built like a brick shit house.

Billy Jo Curtis has a body that smells like a brick shit house.

Billy Jo Curtis will shoot your dog.

Billy Jo Curtis likes to meet women on the internet cuz he can tell them he's prince charming.

Billy Jo Curtis will kick your cat.

Billy Jo Curtis will blame everyone else for everything that's wrong with his life.

Billy Jo Curtis NEVER makes a bad decision.

Billy Jo Curtis has a KKK tattoo.

Billy Jo Curtis lurks outside of kindergarten classes even though he doesn't have kids.

Billy Jo Curtis likes to hit women.

Billy Jo Curtis taps his foot in the men's room at the airport.

Billy Jo Curtis likes to wipe his greasy fingers on your clean car.

Billy Jo Curtis will key your car if you piss him off.

Billy Jo Curtis is ALWAYS pissed off.

Billy Jo Curtis doesn't give a shit about anyone but Billy Jo Curtis.

Billy Jo Curtis never returns your phone calls.

Billy Jo Curtis LOVES to spend YOUR money.

Billy Jo Curtis will always be a hater.

But if I actually named it Billy Jo Curtis, that would mean that I am carrying three bastards around that PISS ME OFF.

That can't be healthy.

No, I think this is a good opportunity to realize that I can do better than that.

I will name her Tiffany.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So, when I was growing up the only person I knew with my name was my grandma. I would have loved to be, Susie, Vicky, especially TIFFANY! That said, Thinking of your "crater" made me think of the moon. "The craters tell you that the Moon was the victim of some cosmic target practice. Each one of those craters is the result of an impact that was so violent it dwarfs any atomic weapons we have on Earth."

How about TYCHO? It is in the southern highlands, a large impact crater that can still be seen on the moon's near side.

Or there is Mare Imbrium, it is an impact basin crater. "The basins are places where absolutely gigantic impacts took place. If they had been much bigger, they could have broken the Moon apart."

Now I'm not saying, I'm just saying. . . violent cosmic target practice, absolutely gigantic impacts, nearly broken apart - but still shining. Sometimes maybe a new moon, a quarter moon, a waxing moon, a full moon or a waning moon. Ever changing, but constant, to your children, family, friends and those of us who love your writings.