Here I am at Camp Harkness. You remember, the place that you left me while you went off to have fun? FUN WITHOUT ME????
I'm not sure if you read the brochure well enough before you decided on this establishment but I highly doubt they're up to current ACA standards. Maybe you got your "ACA's" confused?
This is the home of the footstools isn't it? Those footstools that came and stayed at my happy home while their mother abandoned them.
I don't like those bastard footstools mom. They eat my food when I'm not looking.
And no, it's not because I ate their food first, THAT'S IRRELEVANT. I'm a growing boy and I need nourishment! Footstools have no nutritional needs. They need to be stuffed with fiberfill and put in the corner.
But I have been busy here mom. This place is infested with gray fuzzy things that hiss at me from the top of the stairs.
They force me to stand guard right here. All day. All night. THE GRAY THINGS WILL NOT ESCAPE!!! I WILL NOT LET THEM!!!
Did the brochure mention the gray things? Really mom? Did you even ask????
I keep trying to let everyone know about the gray things. I make sure to bark at them, especially in the middle of the night. I'm on patrol mom, it's a very important job.
The lady here? She actually LIKES the gray things. She carries them down to the basement and then carries them back upstairs. Sometimes the gray things hiss at me and try to climb to the top of her head.
I think the gray things make a funny hat.
I also think the gray things would be delicious...perhaps served with some fava beans and a fine Chianti? I'm thinking they would taste like sunshine and cotton candy and unicorn farts.
That's why I'm standing guard mom. Unicorn farts. I want to know what they taste like.
And the lady really isn't any fun at all mom. Did the brochure say that they lady was supposed to be fun? Cuz if it did, the brochure lied.
Mom, you know how important exercising is for me to keep my svelte physique. Remember how the vet told you I needed more exercise? The lady actually YELLED at me mom! She yelled at me when I tried to run after the neighbor's dogs. All I wanted to do was play and so I ran after them and chased them down the sidewalk.
Was it my fault that she was too dumb to let go of the leash? After all, I'm twenty pounds heavier than she is, if she were actually smart, she'd just let me have my way but nooooooooo. She has to start yelling at me and when I turned around she was laying on the sidewalk.
Don't worry mom, I wasn't hurt.
But she kinda left a lot of skin on the pavement. And some blood. And maybe some clothes.
Don't worry, I'm sure her precious footstools and gray things will take care of her.
I miss you mom.
Come home soon.