Sunday, November 01, 2009

The House Of Green Leaves

Yeah, we've ALL been there. You can't deny it. You see one episode of Martha Stewart and you, YOU, the one who couldn't manage to do more than sniff glue in art class...YOU decide to get all crafty.

Well, reality has set in my friend. Big fat reality. Someday, Castle Disaster will be someone else's home and they aren't going to think your adventures with Martha Through The Looking Glass are very appealing.

As a matter of fact, they just might roll their eyes and ask the realtor if they could "see a REAL house now."

So, do it the white trash, I mean, eco-friendly way. Investigate all those paint cans in the garage and see which ones are white...found some primer? Cool! And it resists mold? Even better because you could feed a posse of Hobbits off the crap I've been finding in there.

Now, cover up all those frickin leaves!

What's that you say? You've painted over them three times and they still show through??? Hey, Martha never mentioned that possibility.

Do you think that perhaps she never really thought about the consequences of her brilliant ideas? That someone might actually do what she said and then have to FIX IT YEARS LATER????

Naaa! Martha's all know, she does all that work herself don't you?

Hey, you've got nothing better than to stand in your bathroom and go through a partial bucket of primer and two partial buckets of dining room paint and STILL HAVE THE OUTLINE OF GHOST LEAVES ON YOUR WALLS!!!!

After the fifty second coat, have you noticed that your bathroom is twelve inches smaller in floorspace and there are still three leaves that are rustling...just hiding beneath the surface? Has it occurred to you that you will end up being like that woman in the short story who was driven mad by the yellow wallpaper?

You know that you will have to do another coat once the new window goes in.

You need to come to terms with that. You need to hold it in your heart.

What heart you have left that is.

Obviously, Martha Stewart has broken most of it.

And what was left, she made into mosaic tiles and resurfaced her shower.

She's crafty like that.

No one ever mentions on any of those home improvement shows just how many inter state shooting sprees happen after a person has spent the day in a confined space with a hell of a lot of paint.

Stand back Martha. This brush is loaded.

I've used all my paint, Can I go home now?

Ah crap! I AM home!

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