What women want...for Mother's Day

OK, let me start by saying that I really hate Mother's Day. I hate it that there is a holiday created by Hallmark which allows for all of the rotten family members out there to use some sort of a "Get out of jail free" card once a year.

My head is a ticking time bomb, always in danger of blasting grey mushy shrapnel whenever I see an "Every kiss begins with Kay" commercial on t.v. Those commercials are about as realistic as the home pregnancy test commercials. If my husband pulled a string of rocks out of his pocket and tried to snog me one for it, the first thing out of my mouth would be "Well hooray! Now I get to look for a second full-time job to go with my first full-time job because you were thinking with your southerly "little" brain and you bought something shiney and stupid." Then I'd deck his ass.

In case you were wondering, the realistic EPT commercials would have a woman puking her guts up, all pale and shaking, so incredibly dehydrated from barfing that it takes her 20 minutes to pee on the test strip, and then all you'd hear, as the camera does a fast retreat from the house through the roof and out into the heavens above, is the woman screaming "FU&K!"

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I reveal a little too much about my personal history on that one?

So, as a hater of all things quick and forgiving on Mother's Day, I have developed a list of all of the myriad of possibilities that a family can do for their mom, and guess what? All of them are free!

1. Stop secretly digging buggers out of your nose while sitting in the corner of the living room and then once you've found Cortez's gold, flicking it away onto the carpet behind you. I know you do it, I vacuum them up. And when we tore out the carpet? I won't even go into that horror story...

2. Stop loading the dish washer up with crusty dishes that need to actually be scrubbed clean first. Are you forgetting that we bought the "White Trash" model dish washer? You know, the one that came with the armadillo on a stick?

3. Stop meeting me at the door when I get home and before I am fully in the house, ask me "What's for dinner?" There is a rumor circulated among the cannabilistic tribes of Borneo that in their civilization, there are no annoying children.

4. Look around at everyone at the dinner table. When you are complaining about the food not being healthy enough, realize that the children are complaining that it is not junky enough. Do not even bother to inquire why I am resting the steak knife against my jugular.

5. If it is full, empty it. If it is empty, fill it. And the frickin' roll comes off the top, not the bottom!

6. Soap, when left in the bathtub near the drain during your shower, has a tendency to dissolve rather quickly. Please make a note of it.

7. If you leave hardware on the cupboard, it will be baked into your pizza crust. I'm just saying...

So, the best gift you can give your mom/mother of your children is easy. Give her 8 frickin' hours alone to do whatever the hell she wants. Let her drown the barking dogs in her head with a tasty beverage with a salted rim. Let her have a solid block of time where she isn't wiping a nose, cleaning a butt, cooking a dinner, or listening to you complain about how hard your life is. Just let her be!!!

And at the end of 8 hours, if she comes home, consider yourself very lucky. She must love you for some reason that no one else can fathom.