Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Devil Goes Down To The Library

All I wanted was a little literary enlightenment. Honest. Some may call me Old Scratch, some may call me Lucifer, but whatever your particular tradition wants to name me, ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS TO CHECK OUT A DAMN LIBRARY BOOK!

Now that I got THAT off my chest, I will regale you with my tale of bibliophilic possession at the Duluth Public Library.

After dropping my male type child off at a class yesterday evening, I had to make a choice:
A) Buy some crack at the next intersection
B) Buy some love at the next intersection
C) Go to the library

Since I had already satiated my earthly desires last weekend, I decided to spend some time at the library.

Did I mention how much I love the library? Did I mention how much I hate the heat?

Have you realized how much EVERYONE loves the library when it is hot?

Have you realized how much heat affects people who are normally of a sweet, patient disposition?

Have you realized just how wacked out the wackos can get when it’s warm outside?

All of this is going somewhere, I promise.

As a matter of fact, it is going straight up to the second floor of the Duluth Public Library. That was where I found myself last night, ruminating in the non fiction section, deciding which “I climbed Mt. Everest” book I would check out.

(As an aside, that is one way in which I keep cool. I float in a cold bath tub and read about arctic adventures. And I walk around my neighborhood. Naked.)

So, I’m lost in the tall shelves and I accidentally bump into a framed poster at the end of the bookcase, you know, the posters of the famous movie actresses that fight the rumors of their illiteracy by posing with a book? Yeah, that one.

So, it makes a slight noise. And I mean slight. It didn’t even register in my mind that anyone else would have heard it. And then I heard the conversation that was going on in one of the seating areas at the very back of the library.

“Did you hear that?” I heard someone ask. “That was really close. You know who that is? It’s Satan. It’s Satan trying to drown out my biblical teachings.”

I became intrigued. I’ve been called a lot of things, but it’s been a few years since I’ve been called Satan.

I moved down to the end of the row and peered out at the person talking. He was an older gentleman, probably in his sixties. He wasn’t dressed in rags, nor was he covered in urine. I did not detect any wiff of feces, and he was not wearing the requisite hat made of aluminum foil which, as anyone can tell you, is the fashion rage for crazy people.

In other words, he appeared “normal”.

“It’s all them Pagans”, he insisted. The person he was talking to was out of my site but I could hear him kind of mumble “hmmmm”. I’m kind of guessing they didn’t come to the library together. He was probably some poor sot that just was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“It’s the Wiccans and the demons. They’re close. VERY CLOSE.”

I actually took a step back.

I wasn’t THAT close.

I heard the other guy say something like “I don’t really think it’s demons”.

I started to back down the aisle, making sure not to bump the poster again. All I wanted was to check out my library book.

And find me some tasty, tasty virgins…

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