Monday, September 22, 2008

Notes From The Bunker-Day 2

Tomorrow is my birthday, my 40th to be exact. I had an idea to talk about losing 50 (pounds) and turning 40. Yes, I have reached the 50 pound weight loss mark. And for the past two days I've been flat on my back with what I can only describe as Ebola meets Black Death. Wooo hooo! Now pass me another box of kleenex and brew up some lemon and honey for I have just passed a large gerbil out of my respiratory tract. I think I will name him George.

As I lay marooned on my bed, I find myself reaching for the only reading materials that I can get to without lifting my head. Why, it's the pile of books that I got from the Friends of the Library booksale in Two Harbors!

My favorite book has to be Aunt Jenny's Favorite Recipes which was a promo put out for Spry "It's Triple Creamed!" Vegetable Shortning. If it weren't for the internet, I wouldn't know that Aunt Jenny was an advertising icon for the Lever Brothers (of soapy fame) in the 30's-50's.

She also appears in several other cookbooks and frankly, I find her obsessive, folksy knowledge of Spry Vegetable Shortning a little frightening.

Here's the cover of my cookbook. Now how does the husband and wife get on the cover of the cookbook holding a copy of the cookbook in which they are on the cover!!!
AUUUUGH! Spry Vegetable Shortening is being promoted by WITCHES!!

What's really funny is that there are some things I see in this cookbook that my mom did, like lathering the baked potatoes up with vegetable shortening. I'm pleased to announce that certain family traditions have ended with me, this being one of them. Another one? Meat loaf. My children have never eaten meat loaf. When I mention to them that we used to have it at least once a week, they get a little pale and sweaty which was my reaction when I saw the pennywise steak recipe. Shape your hamburg' like a steak and slather it with shortening! Where are we, Great Britain??

Why is the major selling point of this shortening the fact that it's digestable? Was there a plague of IBS in the 30's-50's? Maybe they ate too damn much shortening!

Now, I really have to question this one. What mother didn't have time to bake their kids cookies back then???? I'm guessin' Aunt Jenny squeezed out quite a few strappin' lads to help out with chores so all she had to do was bake cookies for all the neighborhood kids and talk smack about their lazy mothers who wouldn't crawl out of the bottom of a bourbon bottle to make a damn dozen cookies for their plentiful offspring that did nothing but roam the neighborhood all day, causing trouble, and becoming the kind of kids that your parents warned you about. I'm guessin' Aunt Jenny didn't hand out cookies to just anyone...

Here is some obvious insight to what is really going on in the Spry Vegetable Shortening Household. Can anyone say Menege et trois? Yeah, Jenny got creative with Spry Vegetable Shortening in ways that the Lever Brothers would never have imagined.

Don't worry Mr. Postman, Jenny can solve all your problems with a little Spry Shortenin!

You can tell by that look in her eyes. Aunt Jenny was a whore.

Let's cut to the chase...Spry Shortening! It get's you laid!
Now go out and get yourself some fun!


Rebecca Hartong said...

What a really great cookbook!

Remember that scene in "The Postman Always Rings Twice" (the Jessica Lange/Jack Nicholson version) where they do it on the kitchen table?

Uh huh... Aunt Jenny and Postman Fred.

What I really wonder most about, though, is what's in Spry that eating it has given all these people such strange speech impediments?

Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Aunt Jenny gets a real treatment in the book "The Gallery of Regrettable Food" which has awful recipes from older cookbooks...

Debbie said...

I just put a link to the gallery on my link list...LOVE IT!

Shelly said...

I read this pre-coffee this morning, and, looking at the coupon, saw, 1 pound can and THIRTY pound can.

'bout make me start talkin' funny...

Zorglub said...

First time I leave a comment, just want to correct (incorrigible French), but Debbie, you're are just so darn funny.
Correction: "ménage à trois" (if not, doesn't make sense).

amyroz said...

Happy B-Day! I read that last part at THIRTY too - way funny. Even funnier yet, I believe my mom has some Spry left in the house yet.... (Or sad maybe.)

Debbie said...

Well, I looked up the spelling and I get several different suggestions...of course this word never appeared on my spelling list at the convent.

Mary said...

The whole thing is hilarious, but the underlined emphasis on "digestible" really takes the cake.