Monday, January 05, 2009

All Pissed Off And Nowhere To Go

This journey is such a strange one, the emotional roller coaster never ceases to amaze me.

I really haven't honestly sat down and acknowledged my incredulity and anger regarding the whole cheating aspect of this melodrama. I found out about it and then less than 24 hours later I found out so much more that it was immediately pushed to the back burner.

Since my soon to be ex-husband hasn't changed his address yet, I'm still receiving his mail. There is nothing like looking at his cell phone bill and realizing that the man who would completly ignore the presence of three other human beings that lived in the same house as him and were less than three yards away from him the majority of the time, was chatting up his girlfriend while at work for sometimes three hours at a time. There were thirty minute conversations from him and then two hours later another hour conversation from her. They spoke on the phone three, four, sometimes five times a day.

This, from a man who would go for days and exchange only snide, rude, condecending comments to his family. This, from a man that I struggle to remember the last time he said a single positive thing to anyone.

There are things that I am keeping willfully ignorant of. I am not trying to find out where in this city my soon to be ex-husband is since I would be all to tempted to stand on his doorstep with a baseball bat. That's why I so appreciate my lawyer in this matter. She realizes that there are times when I am in a very dark place indeed.

This morning's rage has nowhere to go. I have been doing my best to channel my anger and anxiety into exercise and meditation and sorry stabs at humor. I hope that this will be the week that the police bring my husband into custody. I hope he actually doesn't force everything into an open court where he will not only have to admit to being a deviant but also drag us down with him. I hope he signs his divorce papers this week as well. I hope I never have to see him again.

I have an amazing group of friends. I have a web of support that will wrap me up in a heartbeat. But this morning, right here, right now, I have a heart filled with rage and anger. Hope may be the thing with feathers Emily...but things with feathers are notorious for shitting on your head.


Rebecca Hartong said...

Dear Ms Harkness (might as well start getting used to it, eh?):

I've seen this sort of thing before. Maybe someday the fool will figure out what a colossal mistake he's made. Maybe not. Either way, it's no longer your concern -- because you've got to let it go.

He jumped overboard, but the boat's got to keep sailing. The only way he can drag you down with him is if you don't cut yourself free. I'm talking psychologically here, you understand, not just legally.

Take out the big old psychological machete and cut the line.

It's a wonderful image to meditate on, by the way. You're in the boat, he's struggling in the shark-infested waters, you cut the rope that tied you together, and you sail away. Into a beautiful sunrise. You don't look back. You cut the rope and you turn towards the sunrise and you start sailing.

That's it.

Anonymous said...

I so totally agree with Rebecca! And that, too, is why divorcing people find it easier to sell shared possessions and move to a different place. Even with the volcano of rage that is expressed through the physics of a baseball bat, it will never be as clean of a 'kill' to what is rapidly becoming the past life as sticking the 'for sale' sign in your yard would be. It is far healthier to expend your energy into focusing on what the next best place would be for you to be and coordinate the 'getting rid of' with the 'moving towards my new life' efforts.

Thank ya, Jezuz! : )

Shelly said...

I really just came barreling into the "Anger" portion of the program, myself, and, what a damn good thing it was. Apparently, I am way too nice, wandering around in a daze, wondering what went wrong in the marriage, wondering if (haha) I did ENOUGH.

Jeeez...what the hell kind of kool-aid was I drinking? I mean...I had to have been on SOMETHING to make that whole "give up your entire self for no return" thing make sense. WTF? When did I become such a martyr?

Finally, the other day, I got pissed. Pissed at him, pissed at myself for being so stupid...just damn mad. Then, a couple of days later, had a major meltdown and spent an entire evening in the bathtub, sobbing.

And with that came....perspective. The negativity, of which my soon-to-be-ex also has PLENTY, just washed away with the tears, and, damn, I feel so much better. I'm glad I got pissed--just wonder what the hell took so long.