This journey is such a strange one, the emotional roller coaster never ceases to amaze me.
I really haven't honestly sat down and acknowledged my incredulity and anger regarding the whole cheating aspect of this melodrama. I found out about it and then less than 24 hours later I found out so much more that it was immediately pushed to the back burner.
Since my soon to be ex-husband hasn't changed his address yet, I'm still receiving his mail. There is nothing like looking at his cell phone bill and realizing that the man who would completly ignore the presence of three other human beings that lived in the same house as him and were less than three yards away from him the majority of the time, was chatting up his girlfriend while at work for sometimes three hours at a time. There were thirty minute conversations from him and then two hours later another hour conversation from her. They spoke on the phone three, four, sometimes five times a day.
This, from a man who would go for days and exchange only snide, rude, condecending comments to his family. This, from a man that I struggle to remember the last time he said a single positive thing to anyone.
There are things that I am keeping willfully ignorant of. I am not trying to find out where in this city my soon to be ex-husband is since I would be all to tempted to stand on his doorstep with a baseball bat. That's why I so appreciate my lawyer in this matter. She realizes that there are times when I am in a very dark place indeed.
This morning's rage has nowhere to go. I have been doing my best to channel my anger and anxiety into exercise and meditation and sorry stabs at humor. I hope that this will be the week that the police bring my husband into custody. I hope he actually doesn't force everything into an open court where he will not only have to admit to being a deviant but also drag us down with him. I hope he signs his divorce papers this week as well. I hope I never have to see him again.
I have an amazing group of friends. I have a web of support that will wrap me up in a heartbeat. But this morning, right here, right now, I have a heart filled with rage and anger. Hope may be the thing with feathers Emily...but things with feathers are notorious for shitting on your head.