Wednesday, February 18, 2009

And 1 And 2 And 3 And 4

After taking a shower and settling down for the evening last night, I realized there was no settling down for the evening last night.

Since I reached my goal weight, I've been concentrating a lot more on strengthening exercises so I did a hundred sit ups. And then settled down for the evening.

Alas. That lasted for about five minutes. So I did some push ups. And some stretches. And some made up Yoga poses that I think I will name "Downward facing dog which cannot reach weapons of choice in this position". Another pose I have perfected is a little number I will call "Sweet Merciful Christ, did you hear that popping sound?"

Of course, that didn't work either. It took some major time on the glider before my muscles felt like jello and I was able to concede that I was too tired for violence. Once I've worked out until I want to vomit, I feel I am no longer a threat to society.

I kind of think that's how Ghandi got so thin and serene. It might explain his mysterious rant "Pilates my ass!"

When my daughter asked what I was listening while working out and I told her Marilyn Manson, Linkin Park, and MCR, she confirmed that "that is some angry shit." I really need to research whether busting ass on the glider while sobbing uncontrollably makes you burn more calories or just rusts the equipment. It certainly doesn't get anymore appealing than ending your work out covered in sweat, tears, and snot.

So, this morning I'm pretty much tapped out. I started drinking coffee at 3:30 am and hopefully when 6:30 rolls around, I'll be all bright tailed and bushy eyed for work.

I'm guessing by 10 am I'll be asleep on my keyboard and my drool will cause a short circuit.

If anyone comes in to me with their problems today, I will be tempted to discuss, in great detail, how I have developed a damn rug burn on my tailbone from doing too many sit ups. Perhaps I'll even show them.

Perhaps today would be a good day for my divorce lawyer to call and tell me what STBX's major issues are. I'm feeling pretty laid back. Pretty serene. Pretty delusional from exhaustion.

I'll also be able to tell her that due to an overabundance of sit ups, STBX is no longer the only pain in the ass that I'm contending with.

1 comment:

Rebecca Hartong said...

When I read STBX this morning, the first thing that popped into my head was "shitbox". That was before I even thought about what STBX stood for. Actually, though, now I think "shitbox" is delightfully appropriate.

Watch it with all that exercising, kiddo. It's good to be strong, but you need sleep if you want to avoid getting sick.