Monday, April 20, 2009

All The Little Pieces

The next criminal court appearance will be May 22nd at 10:30.

Within six weeks we get to make an appearance at the St. Louis County Courthouse three times. All I really need to know is this:

Do we get frequent flyer miles?

Unfortunately, the date that I'm actually looking forward to the most happens last. Our name change.

A local pastor has offered to do a name ceremony for us which I think would be lovely but I'm not too sure about the overtly Jesus aspect of it. My thought would be to have a name changing ceremony at our house along with a Native American smudging ceremony to get out all the bad juju that he left in our lives.

I wonder how it feels to be considered the evil spirit that your family is trying to exercise? To have so totally fucked up three other human beings on the face of the earth and to have caused such emotional pain which goes to the very morrow of the bones, the soft curl at the center of the soul.

To have your kids stop you when you accidently refer to something before your world exploded. Something that referred to him. Something that seemed an innocuous comment. Something that caused your child to look at you and softly say "Mom, just...don't." Three words that are pregnant with pain and meaning.

There are days when these little phrases, scattered throughout the day, can cut your heart out. They end up as pieces; ugly, painful, and waiting like land mines. Don't go there again, you're told, it might be worse.

The pain might be dormant for years but someday, you will walk here again. You will forget for just one moment and you will step your foot down and your world will go up in a blinding flash of light.

I am going to be wandering through the next six weeks of my life, picking up the pieces. His pieces. The pieces of flesh and memory that he took and used and threw away.

How can I gather all the pieces? How can I repair this damage? How can I stop this horrible cycle of anger, sadness, and heartbreak?

How can I hold my children in my arms and tell them that it will be OK when I'm still trying to convince myself?

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