Thursday, May 14, 2009

Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

Screaming "Fucking Cunt" at a neighbor lady one block down probably won't endear me to the rest of the neighborhood.

OK. I guess you could say that I lost it. Just a little.

But at least I didn't whip open my car door and slam the parking Nazi an hour earlier when she stuck her face in my open window and bitched that I was parked illegally.

On both occasions I was in the wrong.

On both occasions, I was lost in a daydream of whether it would be easier to buy a gun and blow my own head off or if I should just start picking off random people that piss me off.

You know, your normal, average, healthy white suburban fantasy.

Seriously, when I see a dog shit across the street on the grass between the sidewalk and the street, that is not my battle to fight.

As the owner of the shitter who was without shit bag cuz my shit bag was full and in the trash, I found myself accosted by the woman across the street who flew at me screaming "LOSER! LOSER! YOU DON'T EVEN CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR OWN DOG!!!!" Since I was less than two blocks from home I hollered at her that I was going to get a bag from home but she just kept screaming "LOSER!" and pointing a finger at me with such malediction that I expected to be turned into a frog. I turned to walk the dogs home but when she wouldn't shut up I just flipped tits and turned around and called her a fucking cunt with perhaps a "Mother" in front of it and a "Jesus Christ" chaser. When I came back to clean it up, she gave me a snide look over her shoulder and hurried into the back yard.

Yes, I will admit, I thought about 1) smearing it on her door handle or 2) lighting it on fire and putting it on her porch. I even considered over dosing on Ex-Lax tonight and doing my own personal business on her lawn in the morning. Perhaps with a cup of coffee, a paper, and a jumbo roll of toilet paper.

But this was just the second half of the story. The parking incident happened when I pulled up to my kid's school for the two minutes it took them to get out of the building. Since I never left the car and I was ever vigilant that, should downtown Duluth suddenly burst into flames, I would actually move away from the fire hydrant, I felt it would be better to park where I was as opposed to double parking and possibly blocking an ambulance or school bus from using the street.

Yes, I was wrong. I am wrong every day. I am wrong from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. There will always be something I have done wrong.

The first wrong thing today was choosing NOT to buy a gun.

It occurred to me that I should write the neighbor a note that explained my fantasy that she interrupted and thanking her for the insight not to put a gun to my own head. And letting her know that I'd be back to discuss the matter further tomorrow.*

See? This is why you should ALWAYS be nice to the crazy person at work. You never know what in the hell might be going on in their head.

*Fantasy is not reality. This is not a real threat so chill the hell out!


Anonymous said...

I dunno...

Maybe there's a job in hiring oneself out to homeowners as a MFing C**t One woman poop patrol for Jesus H. Christ. Think of it. Instead of having the typical flock of plastic pink flamingos or gnarly dwarf tribes cluttering one's lawn, one could hire MFing C**ts sent by Jesus H. Christ to patrol the perimeters of one's property for errant dog walkers without plastic bags! It would be sooooo cool! Then, before you know it, there would be at least ONE MFing C**t handpicked by Jesus H. Christ on each block! The competition would begin with infinite variation in tonal screams and gutteral mutterings, maybe even clearing of throats and nasal passages followed by well directing spitting. Then colors would follow, with each MFing C**t dressed in uniquely designed uniform tops with infinite variations in colors and patterns to reflect the good taste of the homeowner.

Jesus H. Christ. Creating MFing C**ts worldwide to shame others into picking up shit before it has a chance to cool.

*Plastic bags not included.

Shelly said...

oh gawd, that's hilarious...!