I'm realizing that I've been living off a list for six months, or perhaps an outline. Large, overarching goals with a million and one different tasks below each, every goal contingent upon the completion of the one above it.
It's been this list that's kept my head on straight. Whenever I stand back and look at the big picture, I collapse to my knees. I have to stay focused on the next goal, the next rung on the ladder.
Tuesday is another divorce hearing. As much as I am rolling my eyes at the stupidity of it all now, the fact is, I need this to be finalized before I can investigate going back to school and applying for financial aid.
And I need to be able to go back to school in order to have any hope of being marketable on a nation wide job search.
And I need to get a decent job in order to get away from here.
And I need to get far away from here in order to wipe the slate clean; in order to disappear into the crowd without even looking back.
Today has been me, trying to reign in the horses. Trying to convince myself that sticking to the plan of staying in town for three more years and allowing the kids to graduate and me to finish my degree is the wisest decision. Trying to convince myself that living low to the earth, trying to pay off debt and bills, trying to stay focused and move forward is the way to go.
And then I listen to my daughter, blasting this from upstairs and all I want to do is find that crowd, far away from here, and disappear into it without even looking back.