Sunday, July 05, 2009

Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Dear Small Town Yarn Store Owner:

While it's true that we never met before, allow me to introduce myself...

I am a customer.

I am a customer that was passing through your little berg on the way to a fun filled weekend surrounded by sci-fi geeks, nerds, cross dressing obese men with huge moobs, and various and sundry disturbed individuals.

So, you might understand my need for knitting.

And, as I told you upon entering your little shop, I was a traveller who had left her knitting at home by mistake.

Since your shop was so small and since you had parked your chair directly in the middle of it, I was immediately and exclusively under your beady eyed gaze the second I came in.

And this is really where my problem with you started.

I understand the need to make sure people don't shoplift, but that really wasn't the issue now, was it? The fact that you sat there and watched me pick up every single skein of yarn and began your running commentary that WOULD NOT SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I very nearly stabbed myself in both ears simultaneously with 00 needles just to rupture my eardrums and put me out of my aural misery.

Learn some customer skills for Pete's sake! How about some pointers???

#1 ASK where we're from instead of assuming we were from a million miles away. By talking about our "visit to the great state of Minnesota" like it was some parting of the Red Sea, it was a little annoying. That's why I gave you my "shut the fuck up look" and said "Yeah, I know the area, I'm from Duluth."

You really should have got a clue at that point.

#2 ASK how long I've been knitting! Don't assume I've been knitting for two weeks and start you're "oh isn't knitting a great hobby!" speal. Remember how I paused a second and started to open my mouth but then thought for a second and shut up? I was about to say "You know what else is a great hobby? Masturbation!"

#3 I told you I was going to get enough yarn for a sweater. Had you known that I have been knitting for over 30 years, (see #2), you could have asked something intelligent like "Do you have a pattern in mind? I keep my sweater patterns over here..." When I say that I'm going to knit a sweater and I reach for a circular needle and you start trying to sell me on the "magic loop technique" which people use for SOCKS, it makes me think that you are NOT LISTENING TO ME. You told me how "everyone is doing the magic loop technique" and by that time, you were really starting to piss me off. Hence the reason I told you "Well, obviously not EVERYONE is doing it because I am not. I have a tendency not to knit like a lemming."

You know what it means when a customer uses that tone of voice? It means that they are getting ready to dump your sorry ass and leave.

#4 As I stood there with my skeins of yarn, doing the math in regards to how many skeins I would need for the pattern that I would create as I was knitting the sweater, you kept breaking in and telling me I would need "at least two more skeins".

Did you not hear me adding the numbers up out loud? Did you not see me glare at you and ignore you as I kept adding it up?

Did you even ask what kind of a sweater I was knitting?

Did you even take into consideration that I am approximately 1/3 your size and would thus need far LESS yarn than you were suggesting?

No, you just kept yammering on and on.

#5 Asking me if I "had ever heard of mohair" was just a little ridiculous. Yes, I've heard of mohair. Have you ever heard of oxygen???

Guess what? I DON'T LIKE MOHAIR!!! (Best said in the "I don't want Spam!" Monty Python voice.)

And when I pulled out my credit card and you looked at me and said "I don't take credit cards," I was about two seconds away from beating you with a sack of doorknobs.

"But you can go down the street to the bank and get money..." you told me.

"Yeah. I could. But it would make me far happier just to say 'screw this'." I smiled.

Just for the record? There's a reason why you're shop is void of customers.

Beam me up Scotty. And get me some fucking yarn NOW!

The next time I visit your shop? I'm bringing my henchmen.


Shelly said...

uuggghh....nothing on this or any other planet more hideously annoying than someone who treats everybody like they are stupid. I'm sorry you didn't bring your sack of doorknobs into the store with you, but I have found that grabbing people by the back of the head (get a big handful of hair...) and smashing their face against a door frame (bouncer move) is equally, if not even more satisfying, and requires no prop save for seething anger.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget the camera to capture the Kodak moment and leaving behind your business card with your blog address so the stupid F**k can have her grandchild look it up...

Maybe her grandchild also works as a banker. One can only hope.